harrisclyde@hotmail.com

February 25, 2018February 25, 2018

Depression, I Hate You!

Depression, I hate you! Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why don’t you ever go away?

I hate that when I’m sad, people mistaken it for anger When really I’m so sad that I can’t find my happy Where have you gone? I miss you so much.

I am angry Angry at depression Angry at what it has done to my life

You have stolen from me I hate the way you twist and distort my thoughts You fill my head with ugliness.

I hate that there’s no cure But I need to escape this hell so desperately Even though I try, I fight every day; every single day!

Depression, I hate you! You steal, you lie You cover up the good and I can’t find it.

Give me back my life My days I have lost The years I have lost I have missed so much And I hate you because I can never get it back.

Give me back the person I want to be The person I was before you destroyed me Before you changed who I am.

I am so exhausted and tired That makes me impatient with others and with me That’s not fair!

Depression, I am angry I am tired, I am sad I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!!!!!

February 21, 2018

Its Laurens’ fourth visit to the Children’s Shriners Hospital in Montreal. This visit is filled with worry, uncertainty, apprehension but also with hope. This visit is off to a bad start already because Lauren now has two dislocated hips and that concerns us very much. The rhizotomy surgery that we are hoping for Lauren to have (which right now is her only hope of walking or having some form of mobility) is right now looking very bleak because the surgery requires the patient to have two good hips and that is not Lauren’s case.

The day began with my alarm arousing me out of my sleep into reality. Lauren and I go and make sure Mommy and Bruddy are out of bed; we don’t want to leave anybody ‘Home Alone’. Everybody gets ready and off we go in our van to the St.John’s Airport. It’s kind of icy but the road is okay.

We had a 5-6 hour stop over in Halifax which made for a very long day. But to brighten our day; Aunt Mary, Rochelle and Ben came to visit us at the airport which was so nice to see them again.

Now we’re off to Montreal, Sissy is going strong (no nap yet today), Bruddy is sleeping soundly.

We have arrived in Montreal and had a very, well deserved rest/sleep at our Hotel. Morning came too soon, the uncertainty of what the day could/will bring is overwhelming. But off we go to the Hospital.

X-rays are done first, she was really good. Then the orthopedic surgeon, Dr Canten, came to talk to us. I just hate being kicked in the guts and our hopes being crushed at the same time. She told us Lauren will need both hips reconstructed at separate times. Can’t do both together, she would lose too much blood and too stressing on her body. Then she said, ‘rhizotomy’ was not an option at all. This was not what we wanted to hear. How can we has parents accept that the one hope of her walking is taken from us? We just felt like leaving and coming home but of course we can’t do that, maybe the day will get better.

Now it’s off to the 2nd floor for Occupational Therapy and Physio Therapy. Well that was a waste of time. Lauren did not cooperate and just cried through the whole thing. No fault of her’s, she was just exhausted and scared and so were we. They certainly didn’t get a true picture of the real Lauren.

We were receiving some very bad vibes, we knew this was not going in our favour; call it parent intuition. We reluctantly moved to assessment room #1, where we would meet with Dr. Farmer…..he held all the cards. He spoke words we did not want to hear, this is not the way it was supposed to go. Before anything else could be done for Lauren, she has to begin another new medication for dystonia ( clubbing and twisting of her hands, etc). Left and right hip and pelvic reconstructive surgeries done at separate times. Then a baclofen pump to be surgically placed under the skin, which will help reduce some spasticity. The rhizotomy surgery was certainly not on the top list of options.( I had to stop writing here, I could not see the keyboard for tears. Am I dreaming or is this reality? Are we talking about my little girl, so innocent, so fragile. She doesn’t deserve this, her life is just beginning. Where’s the fairness? God help us to make sense of it all).

This was a lot of information to analyze and accept. So we just couldn’t take anymore and asked if it were okay to go back to our Hotel, which we did.

Now we are back on the ‘Rock’, feeling no further ahead then when we started. How can we put Lauren through this horrible chain of surgeries? Most parents are devastated when their child falls and scratches their knee. And then bad enough are the surgeries but with the hip surgeries she will have to be placed in body casts. In this case, ignorance would be bliss, but we know all to well what a body casts involves.

It’s confirmed today that Lauren’s first hip surgery will be done on March 28th. New medication, artene, for dystonia, will begin next week.

Our hearts are heavy as we try to keep our chins up and shoulders back. Bottom line is Lauren’s life will revolve around surgeries and procedures trying to fight an ugly condition that bears the name Cerebral Palsy.

February 14, 2018

SUICIDE

The most hushed word in the English language, I believe, is the word; SUICIDE! Why are we has a Society so afraid to discuss or even speak the word? It’s almost looked upon has a curse word, a bad word, even when spoken it should be whispered. But after reading this blog I hope our thinking, understanding and compassion toward suicide will take on an whole new perspective and we will see it in an whole new light.

Suicide brings up many questions but few answers. It is my intention to give some of my insight, my opinions into this silent killer. It is my hope that through this blog I may encourage someone that is contemplating suicide to think twice, give yourself another chance, you are worth it, there is hope, someone will listen if you would just reach out.

I have to admit this is not easy for me to do. I would rather not talk about it either, if I had a choice, but what good would that do? My whole purpose in blogging is to help others who are surrounded by this darkness and torment; therefore I have to speak out. It’s our only hope of finding the light and making the sun to shine again. I remember so vividly when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when there was no hope in sight; all I wanted to do was die and end this hellish existence for everyone concerned.

“Committed Suicide”! Committed brings to mind something bad someone did willfully. It is not my belief that someone who dies of suicide does so willfully. As defined by Google, the word, ‘commit’ means ‘to perpetrate or carry out a mistake, crime or immortal act. You ‘commit’ a crime. Therefore this is a term I try not to use when referring to suicide. Rather than say, ‘someone committed suicide’, it’s more appropriate to say, ‘died from suicide’. Someone who died from suicide did not willfully choose to take their life; if they felt they had a choice they would choose life. They have reached the point where nothing makes sense anymore. Having no life at all is better than the life they have. Your distorted thinking convinces you; your life is worthless and everyone would be better off without you. You are so exhausted from fighting this battlefield in your mind, that you just can’t fight anymore. When my Dad was dying, some of his last words were, ‘I just want peace’. Dad found that peace from his fight with cancer and is now at rest; no more fighting. The same is true for someone fighting a mental illness, they just want peace. Your voice of reason is gone.

You may be asking, ” why would you want to talk about suicide so openly and publicly?” And I would ask, ‘Why not?” This is one of the most alarming epidemics facing our society today. And you want me to be quiet about it? I don’t think so! God is at work here! The statistics speak for themselves. “In 2009 there were 3,890 suicides in Canada”. According to the World Health Organization, “Close to 800,000 people die to suicide every year. That works out to be around one person every 40 seconds”.’ In 2015 there were an estimated 788,000 suicide deaths worldwide’. In 2017 this statistic is growing at an alarming rate and will only keep growing. And that is why we have such an alarming drug and alcohol abuse problem in our society today. People will turn to anything to dumb the pain. They are afraid to talk about the way they are really feeling, due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness; forces many to suffer in silence. And to that person who is suffering in silence, I would say, ‘you are not alone’. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will get through this.

If you are someone who have lost a loved one through suicide; there are never going to be enough words for me to help you understand, to take away the pain, to make sense of it all, to dry your tears or to help heal your broken heart. But let’s begin by saying, ‘this is not your fault, there is nothing that you could have done or didn’t do’. Your loved one was very, very ill and I believe something in their brain went terribly wrong and therefore at the point of ending there life; they felt no hope, no way of escape, they wanted to unburden their loved ones of the misery that their illness had brought to their family. Know now that they are finally at PEACE and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that forced them to do this. But rest assured they are now, FINALLY, at PEACE.

I believe that society has come a long way, when it comes to the way people look at mental illness/suicide. The walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) have somewhat come down. But we still have a long way to go. If you are wondering, well what can I do? My answer would be to educate yourself on what mental illness is, have a better understanding, an open mind and to forget some of the myths, lies, primitive ideas that we have been raised to believe surrounding mental illness and suicide. For example, years ago suicide victims were automatically sent to hell and their bodies would not be buried in a consecrated Church cemetery but were buried on the outside. Now how primitive, self righteous, judgemental and disgraceful can a culture and society be, in order to do such a thing. May God forgive them “for they know not what they do.” Thankfully we have moved forward and have respect for all the deceased; for God is our eternal judge.

One of the best things we can do for someone who is contemplating suicide is to LISTEN. Listen and show you care, reassure them that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes the best advice we can give, is as little as possible. Sometimes when we have all the right motives in mind and we mean well; we can say exactly what someone that is suicidal does not want to hear. So…listen, love, and never leave that person alone; be there for them. And suggest that maybe they visit a mental health professional or their family doctor, but never without their consent, no surprises. Just be there….

I believe with our limited mental health care in NL the church needs to play a role in helping victims and their families in dealing with suicide and mental illness. To begin that process the Church needs to make its stand on just what they believe concerning mental illness and especially suicide. But the church’s stand on suicide is certainly not clearly defined as of today. If it were it would certainly help in the grieving process for those who have lost a loved one through suicide. Some Churches have taught that a suicide victim was/is automatically going to hell. It is my belief that it is not clearly stated in scripture the fate of a suicide victim, and therefore we are not in a place to make such a statement. I conclude therefore that the fate of any soul, whether death by suicide or death from any illness, can “only” be decided by God. As believers it is not our responsibility to play judge and jury. But instead, our calling is to bring comfort, mercy, and love to all those affected by suicide and leave the rest to God.

Today I consider myself an advocate for mental illness. I am not a medical professional, nor do I have all the answers but my lifetime with a mental illness has given me experience, wisdom and knowledge that I would have never obtained otherwise. I have insight into what this illness can do, how it affects the individual themselves,their families and their caregivers. This illness can destroy marriages, friendships, relationships and lives. It is my prayer that I could be used to help others , bring healing to the hurting and restoration to the broken. I am a vessel that’s broken, but daily I am putting the pieces back together and you can too.

February 5, 2018February 6, 2018

My Recovering Journey of Faith

I am a recovering mentally ill person; no I didn’t say I was a recovered mentally ill person. Just like an alcoholic can never say, “I am recovered, but I am a recovering alcoholic”. I believe the same is true for someone who has a medically diagnosed mental disorder. I can never say I was fully recovered, yes there were times when I was fully, functioning, ‘normal’ person but my illness has been a lifetime journey. It’s almost like you go into remission, but for me, I had many relaspes throughout my lifetime. Some mild, some severe and some in between. But all a fighting battle.

This recovering journey is never linear.. What I mean by that is my symptoms and mood are never on a straight plain. It’s more like a roller coaster, there are many ups and downs, you are never on a level plain. Some days you could be doing fairly well and others you could be ready to jump out of your skin. Just last week my illness overwhelmed me with feelings of exhaustion and my brain was overcrowded with unwanted thoughts that I had no control over. But today I’m feeling a little more empowered and start my uphill climb once again.

This journey is rarely a walk in the park, it’s more like climbing Mount Everest. Some days you are weak has a rat and more days you feel like you can climb; one step at a time. But the encouraging thing is; you are moving, even if it is in baby steps. It’s like the saying, ‘You can eat an elephant, one mouthful at a time.’ And so you can climb this “Mountain of Depression and Anxiety”, one footstep at a time. If you are reading this and you are saying, ‘but I can’t do this anymore, I am just too exhausted.’ Trust me; “YOU CAN”! You are stronger then you think.

Where is my strength coming from, where is your strength going to come from? I remember when I had my last relapse; I searched for healing, my wellness, my escape from this hellish disease from without. I was searching for someone or something to “make” me better. But that never happened, I was at a dead end, I had tried EVERYTHING. But it wasn’t until I searched within myself that I found a strength that I didn’t know existed. But I still take it one day at a time, that’s all we have. Yesterday is gone (so don’t dwell on it) and we are not promised tomorrow (so don’t worry about it). Live in the moment, it’s what we have.

My treatment/therapy now consist of medication (which I know is crucial to my mental health), learning to accept my limitations (my new normal), having structure in my day (a routine), limiting stress as much as I can (sometimes that’s hard to do given my life circumstances), always having a ‘project’ (painting, cleaning, reading, singing, etc.) and one of my favorite of all is; writing my blogs (amazing therapy). All of these elements help me cope with each day and creates a sense of who I am. I am NOT my illness, there is so much more to me then my disorder; so I refuse to be defined by depression and anxiety.

After so many years of searching for the truth of who I really am; I believe I have finally found it. There is so much more to us and to me then this physical and mental body. There is a spiritual component that we have to tap into to find real strength, real courage, and the real you, the real me. And I believe this can only come from an omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful), and omnipresent (everywhere present) spiritual power. And there is only one person I know that possesses all three; God Our Father. He has been and still is my greatest source of strength and peace. On days when I was at my lowest, He was and is still my greatest source of stability, my rock, and my hope.

So you see, my recovering journey of faith, starts by placing my entire life into His hands. That’s hard to do because I thought I could do it on my own, what a joke that was. There are some things in life that we have no control over and have to be left with God, He is in control. So now I put my total trust and confidence in someone who is greater then I am. It sure takes a load off me and makes my journey a little easier.

January 29, 2018January 30, 2018

This Recovering Mental Illness

J The day is almost over, night settles in bringing with it it’s darkness. But the day was a beautiful day filled with sunshine and bitter coldness. The week itself felt like the Battle of Armageddon. Along with all the everyday battles and struggles, my war was raging on the inside. I’m not referring to a spiritual war; evil against good, but a war between sad and happy, abnormal and normal, unfulfilled and fulfilled, worthless and worthy, hopeless and hopeful. Where do I stop, when will it stop?

When my doctor told me, almost six years ago, that I had an incurable illness, a long uphill climb and the likelihood of returning to work was a long way down the road. I thought he was nuts (no pun intended). He told me to apply for Canada Pension Disability. Why would I need to do that, I’ll be better in a couple of months? I guess I have to swallow my pride once again and admit that he was right and I was way off base. Because after the week that I just endured, I realize this ugly disease still ravishes my mind and body and can attack at any moment; even after six years.

Trying to accept the reality of what is, overwhelms me like a raging tsunami. I feel like the Israelites who wandered in the desert for forty years and not unlike the Israelites, I probably do my share of questioning, grumbling and complaining. Why God have you brought me into this desert to die? I am still searching for that purpose, that reason why I am where I am at this stage in my life. This is so far from my plans (our plans). I would have never said in a million years.

But who am I? Why not me? There are no respect of persons. It rains on the just and the unjust. I just feel there are holes in my umbrella and I’m soaking wet. I long for the rain to hold up and the sun to break through the clouds. His grace is sufficient for me, or is it? There are days I have my doubts but that’s not His fault. This road sure isn’t perfectly straight and flat but many are the twists, turns and pot holes. I just pray everyday that He’ll guide us over this road of life and one day will bring us safely to our destination.

I guess after suffering and fighting this illness for so long, when I still have bad days or weeks; still makes me nervous. I should be better by now, is my wishful thinking. But my illness was very serious and therefore more complex the recovery and that doesn’t happen overnight. I was hoping by now that my recovery would be more advanced, that I would be further along on my healing journey. But I have no control over what will be, I only hope for the best.

January 23, 2018

Come Morning

Morning comes. But where’s the light, darkness surrounds my being. I search in the darkness but I can’t find the light. I stumble and fall but I have to get up again, my life depends on it. But God I can’t do this again today, the darkness is so overwhelming, the weight is so heavy; I can’t carry it anymore. I cry out to you to just take it away or just let me die; but I want to live, really live.

I just want to hide and crawl inside myself and never come out. How could I be feeling this way today? Is my life just too overwhelming, too complicated, or is my illness consuming every ounce of strength out of this body of mine? Am I just too exhausted, too tired of fighting, too tired of life? But something is about to break, and I hope it’s not me. Maybe there’s going to be a break in the darkness, a crack, a flicker of light, hope, peace, calm is flowing through the fog.

There’s nothing I want more then to be real, not have to hide, just be me; no strings attached. Yes I have a mental illness: not a weakness, not a character flaw, not a spiritual defect; but an illness. And yes I still struggle today, not by choice but it is what it is. If I had a physical illness I would not feel the pressure from others to heal myself but would be accepted, understood and looked upon with concern. But because it’s a mental illness , the stigma, the shame, the wanting to isolate and not talk about it or share it with others; still overwhelms my thoughts, making me feel misunderstood, different then others and just not belonging.

This morning I did not want to talk to anyone or share how I was really feeling. My mind was filled with thoughts of ‘people are tired of hearing’, ‘if you tell, others will judge you and say you’re weak’. But you know what? I really don’t care what others think anymore. If they don’t understand maybe they’re the one with the character flaw; not me. If they walked in my shoes this morning; how would they react? Would they run and hide? Be too ashamed of the way they were really feeling? So I won’t run and hide anymore. If I’m having a rough day, I will share it with someone who cares, even when my mind says not too. Because if I’m going to survive this illness, speaking out is one of the best forms of healing I could find.

I’m always searching for analogies of how to explain or express what depression is for those who are suffering and don’t know what’s going on, because it can be very scary. So understanding what depression is helps to take away some of it’s power, because this morning my serotonin levels must be on empty. Serotonin is the chemical found in your brain that is referred to as the ‘feel good hormone’. And if your body is not producing enough serotonin then you will not feel so good, finding happiness, doesn’t come natural, it’s hard work and exhausting. It’s that simple! The analogy I found the other day, and it makes total sense to me is this; “There’s no difference between my brain not being able to make correct levels of serotonin and my pancreas not being able to make the right amounts of insulin”. So if your serotonin levels are low, which we know in the morning they are at their lowest , then you won’t be feeling so well. But as your day progresses you should feel a little better.

Then night falls and I long for my escape from reality. The comfort of my bed seems to bring that reprieve that I’ve been longing for all day. Maybe sleep will bring peace and calm to my troubled mind. There has to be light at the end of that tunnel; I’ve seen it before and I will see it again.The truth is I’m not feeling strong today, I’m not feeling that I have it all together today; but tomorrow brings the hope that things will feel better in the morning. So as I sit here in my office at the end of a rough day, I pray for the peace of God to cover me and my family; that’s my only hope!

January 16, 2018

Lauren’s Missed Opportunity?

After recent events pertaining to Lauren’s latest medical update (please refer to the blog entitled, ‘A Detour in Lauren’s Journey’) it took some time for us as parents to analyze and digest the information that we had received. We are not parents to accept everything as “hook, line and sinker.” The news we received will forever change the course of Lauren’s life and journey. And we are not expecting everyone to know and understand what that feels like unless you have walked the path we are travelling. But I believe Lauren as been done an injustice. Is anyone to blame? You tell me.

Lauren as already visited the Children’s Shriners Hospital in Montreal, three times. Each time was for an assessment to see if she was a good candidate for the ‘selective dorsal rhizotomy’ which would release some of the spasticity and tone i her muscles which would allow her to have a chance at some form of mobility. Three times we were sent home.

In order to be even considered for this surgery, Lauren’s hips were required to be in good condition, which they weren’t. So in 2016 she underwent a reconstructive hip surgery (Osteotomy) to correct her hip. This left her leg 1.5 cm shorter then the other. At that time the other hip was out of socket a little but not bad enough for surgery and they were hoping that maybe it would correct itself. This was performed at the Janeway Children’s Hospital in St.John’s.

The reasoning for the corrected surgery of the left hip to be a failure was due to the fact that her muscles were so tight (so spastic) that they pulled the hip out of socket and the ‘good hip’ was now 50% out of socket as well. Now she was definitely not going to be considered for the rhizotomy surgery. Our hopes crushed!

You may be wondering, where am I going with this? What’s your point? The point is this; if the rhizotomy surgery was done on our last visit (November 2017) and the tightness, the spasticity of the muscles surrounding the hip were released, they ‘may’ not have been pulled out of socket like they are today. And Lauren’s hip surgery would not have been in vain, she would not have one leg shorter then the other (for now, no reason) and she would have at least a chance of walking or at least a form of some mobility.

So to sum it up, we are discouraged, hurt, angry and left with nothing but questions and what ifs’.

January 12, 2018

A Detour In Lauren’s Journey

The doctor’s voice pierced our ears with news we did not want to hear. News that we were not expecting to hear but here he was saying theses awful, hopeless words. It was Lauren’s week of intense therapy that just so happen to fall on the same week has her Cerebral Palsy Clinic, this is where we meet with all her team; the orthopedic surgeon, neurologist, pediatrician and the rehabilitation team. We sort of had ourselves somewhat prepared for the week because we knew some things weren’t going right with Lauren. As it is with Cerebral Palsy, every day is different and each day brings new challenges.

To begin the day we sat in the assessment room waiting for Lauren’s Orthopedic Surgeon to enter the room, wanting to lock the door and not have to listen to what he was going to say. We suspected that something wasn’t right with Lauren’s already troubled hip, she said ‘it hurt’. She already had reconstructive surgery done on her left hip, but we were expecting the problem was with her partially dislocated right hip. The doctor entered and the look on his face was not good. He knew what our aim and goal was for Lauren; which was a rhizotomy surgery in Montreal and both hips were required to be in perfect working order. The rhizotomy surgery was our one and only earthly hope of Lauren ever having any form of mobility outside a wheelchair. We looked at him and said, “you have bad news”. He did not deny it, but why couldn’t he, it was what we wanted; to be wrong.

He looked at us with a defeated, hopeless and helpless look and said, “the left hip that she had repaired is totally out of socket again.” The left hip? That one was repaired, we thought the pain she was complaining in was from the hip that wasn’t done. And he said,”the right hip is 50% out of socket.” So where does that leave us; we need two good hips to even be considered for the rhizotomy in Montreal. And now neither hip is in good standing. “There is nothing else we can do here at the Janeway for Lauren, get her to the Shriners Hospital as soon as possible.” From his standpoint Lauren would be confined to a wheelchair and we would need to start accepting that fact. Our hopes were crushed, the only hope we had was now gone. We cried our way through the process because here we were looking at a little four year old girl who’s greatest hope was to walk. “But I want to walk Mommy”, “But I want to walk Daddy”, “It hurts”, “I want to do it”.

We just wanted to go home, but first we had to see the Neurologist because her seizures were still not under control. Nothing was working, medication was only making her sleep more often. So we waited for the neurologist to plead for help to stop the seizures. Our fear with her having so many seizures was that more brain damage would be done and that we did not want to happen. Lauren is so intelligent and bright and we want to keep it that way. Her neurologist said, “there is no quick fix, no cure, just trial and error.” So now we try another medication and “please God” this would and will work.

Lauren’s physiotherapist came in while we were preparing to leave and we told her we just needed to go home and to cancel the remaining appointments for the week. We thank all the team for their concern and support, they really do care and love Lauren. But we just had to go home and let all of this just sink in and deal with the hurt and feeling of loss and hopelessness. There is a grieving process that goes along with this traumatic news.

We arrived home and just sat and looked at each other; defeated! Once the initial shock had worn off, it was, “okay what do we do next?” Get in contact with the Shriners Hospital in Montreal. So Lisa called Lauren’s doctor there and left a message to get back to us as soon as possible. While Lisa was doing this, I was sitting on the sofa playing with Lauren, when my phone rang. Hello, the man said, my daughter received a text today about a little girl who the Janeway had given some bad news and that she needed to get to the Shriner’s Children’s Hospital in Montreal as soon as possible. He said, “is any of this making any sense to you?” To which I said , “yes, I sent the text to eight of my siblings today to inform them of our devastating news concerning Lauren, who is our four years old little girl who has cerebral palsy. Well he said, “this is no coincidence, but divine intervention, because I’m a Shriner and I will do whatever I can to get your little girl to Montreal. My heart leaped within me, when I felt so low, angry and no hope in sight; God had sent us a sign that He is right by our side and it’s going to be okay. This was no coincidence. What are the chances that this text and I have no idea how it could have been sent to her; I only sent eight texts and they were all to my siblings, so how could this girl, who’s father just so happened to be a Shriner from Gander, receive my text, it was nothing short of a miracle. And my texts were all out of province. God will move, He will intervene.

So after such a stressful and defeating day, God had intervened once again. Sometimes it’s in the little things, when our faith was so small and we had more questions than answers ; God was still working on our behalf. So if you are reading this and you are discouraged, hurt, going through the storm of your life, in the valley of despair; God is there, He will intervene, just never give up! “He may be four days late but He is still on time.”

December 31, 2017December 31, 2017

Fate/Fear

One thing I can say about my blog writings is that I am honest and open about my mental health. Whether that being good or bad; whether that being what you want to read or not. I want to be truthful on how I am feeling; ‘the truth shall set you free’. That’s what this blog/website is all about, my journey through this horrible illness and to give my readers an honest insight into this debilitating disorder. I know that being open with you the reader, helps to free me of some of what I am feeling; I’m unleashing some of my innermost thoughts that can destroy me; a form of therapy. My writings are not a form of enthusiasm or self glory, but instead an outlet, a release, a form in which to unleash my thoughts. My mental illness is certainly not something to be enthusiastic about but it certainly has been an amazing instrument of healing. And certainly not something to bring glory to myself, that is why it as taken a lifetime for me to even talk about my illness because of the shame, embarrassment, indignity and worthlessness it as brought to my life. I won’t win any popularity contest but I will help others and that’s my goal.

Today I have to be honest; I wish I could say I’m feeling great, in reality compared to where I was, which was at a maximum intensity level, right now, this very day, I am at a moderate intensity level. I am still struggling with my depression and anxiety and although I try to live in the moment; my mind still, at times, travels to the darkness where fear is raging, that I could relapse. And with all the stress and triggers that are in my life (that aren’t going away) I have that right to be fearful. So today I’m taking that fear by the throat and squeezing the life out of it. I will and cannot live by fear, I am taking back the power, with God’s help. Despite my ugly, smothering triggers, I will rise above it. What choice do I have? I will fight for my life and accept my fate.

What does that mean? Accept my fate. It means I will accept what I cannot control about my illness. I saw this quote the other day, ‘ Accept your fate or your fate will destroy you”. Now that’s a big statement to make but I do see the truth in it. Acceptance for me was what put me on the path to healing. Fighting it all the time only exhausted me and made things worse. Acceptance doesn’t mean I gave into my depression and anxiety but I now have power over it. It relieves me of it’s ugly grip. I may have clinical depression and anxiety but ‘it’ doesn’t have me. And yes I do have days when I feel ‘it’ has me but I have to believe and hope that it will pass. Acceptance means I am no longer in denial, I have this illness. By not admitting it; won’t make it go away. By not talking about it won’t make it go away. And wishing that things were back to before I had my last relapse, won’t make it happen. This is my new normal. The same would be said if I had any other illness, so there is no reason why I can’t say I have a mental illness.

It may be my fate to have this illness and I may have fear of this roaring lion to attack. But fate and fear does not have the last word. I still have to believe that it’s going to be okay and I will not give in but trust to my higher power to hold the pieces together. The things that I myself can control about my life and illness, I will give it all I got. But the things that I have no control over, and they are many, I will leave into the most capable hands of my Heavenly Father; who knows what He’s doing.

December 21, 2017

“Tis The Season To Be Jolly”

For countless thousands around the world, those suffering from Depression, this season is not so jolly. When you suffer from depression, no amount of Christmas cheer can change how you feel on the inside. The expectations, the hustle and bustle, the financial strain, etc. just exasperate the way you feel. Rather than making you feel better, it just adds “fuel to the fire”. And in the end; just makes you feel worse. Let me be honest and speak from my heart and give you some insight on what it feels like to suffer from depression in this most joyous season of the year. This is not being a pessimist but a realist.

I awaken this morning, with no time to decide on how I will feel; but instead I have this overwhelming, sad, empty, heavy urge to just cry. A grown, fifty-three (I mean 29) year old man who just wants to cry. What’s wrong with that? It’s certainly not “normal” and it’s certainly not the way I would choose to wake up. I just want this constant, tormenting illness to go away.There’s nothing I want more than to enjoy life, not endure it. If I’m bringing you “down” please click the delete button.

Some of you are reading this and you have never experienced what I’m talking about, well good for you, I’m happy for you! The only time you have ever felt sad was when you lost a loved one (and for good reason), something tragic or devastating happened or some alarming trigger.. But for someone suffering from clinical depression, your life experiences have little to do with the way you feel. You suffer from an illness, like all illness (whether physical or mental) ; you can’t wish it away, command it away, you can’t deny it away. All the positive thinking in the world will not change the way you feel deep down inside, a place where no one else can see. It is what it is; an illness.

But for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about and I know you are out there. You may not be as open about talking about your illness as I am but that’s okay but just make sure you talk to someone. Don’t try to handle this by yourself; it can’t be done. Talk to someone. And don’t ever feel you are the only one that feels this way. It’s one of the world’s best kept secrets. And that is why we have such a drug, alcohol and suicide epidemic on our hands that will only get worse. People are afraid to talk about the way they are feeling due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness. When you suffer from this illness you will try anything to numb the pain, to relieve the hurt; I know because I have been there and still struggle today.

I know what it is to think that your family would be better off without you. You would improve their life if you weren’t in it. You could end this suffering and escape the pain and torment, once and for all. But don’t believe that lie, the pain will subside, you will improve. You just have to realize that with this illness, some days are going to be really rough. But you will have good days again. I have been suffering for over five years now, things have gotten better. Today is a really rough day but you see, this too shall pass. I cannot loose hope and neither can you.

We will beat this; one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And remember you are loved; God loves you and so do I. Life is worth living, In spite of our illness. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself; it’s okay, not to feel okay. There’s no one that feels okay all the time, no one is exempt. So chin up, shoulders back; “Tis the Season to be Jolly”. We can do this!

Author: harrisclyde@hotmail.com