harrisclyde@hotmail.com

August 6, 2018

“IT”

Most people probably don’t give “IT” a second thought. Whether they do or don’t, doesn’t change the fact that “IT” exist. Ignoring “IT” won’t make “IT” go away. “IT” indirectly affects all Canadians at some time through a family member, friend or colleague. In any given year, 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience “IT” for themselves. “IT” affects people of all ages, education, income levels and cultures; no one is exempt from “IT”, “IT” is a raging beast from which no one can hide. “IT” is called MENTAL ILLNESS.

From me, “IT” has stolen my life. When things seem normal and fine on the outside; the beast is at war, “IT” never rest. I run and run; I desperately try to outrun “IT” but “IT” still cast it’s ugly shadow, because you cannot outrun your shadow; where you go, “IT” goes. When I want nothing more than to see beauty, the sunshine, the flowers; “IT” cast it’s ugly shadow. “IT” has stolen my ‘normal’, what seemed like normal, as turned to abnormal.

When all around me, everyone is seemingly enjoying life, rushing here and there, no thinking twice about performing a task, laughing at not so funny jokes. But “IT” as captured my ‘happy’ and only releases it when “IT” decides to. I have become a prisoner in my own mind, that’s what “IT” can do.

“IT” affects your whole family, not caring who it destroys. What relationships “IT” ruins. “IT” takes no pity on the damage it can do to anyone in its path. The time “IT” steals from, time shared with your loved ones, spouse, children, family and friends. Time that you can never retrieve, time you cannot get back, time that is lost forever.

But “IT” is a living cancer, trying desperately to destroy the life you so long to possess. There’s nothing you want more then to be free, to be at peace, a chance just to be the person you know you can be; if “IT” wasn’t in your way. Maybe tomorrow, “IT” may decide to give you a good day, just maybe.

August 2, 2018

I Have Tried Everything

I remember getting to a point in my illness when I felt I had tried ‘everything’ and I still wasn’t better. I had done months of therapy, counselling, I had tried every antidepressant, anti psychotic, every cocktail of medications, shock therapy and yet I found no miracle working relief from my ever emerging symptoms of my illness. Because of this, much panic, hopelessness and fear of not escaping this hell sat in. I felt I was at a dead end and my hope was depleting.

So the statement; ‘I have tried everything and nothing works’ in fact may be true to some extent but in another, is not. When you do get to this point, you still haven’t tried ‘everything’, you may think you have but no you haven’t! You have to consciously make the decision everyday to fight for you, you still have ‘you’, you cannot give up on you. But ‘YOU’ have to do it; no one else on this earth can do it for you. You have the power and strength within you to do it. Where this inner strength comes from I believe is from God; our creator, He who knit us in our Mother’s womb, He who knew the plans He has for us, even before we were born. He who said, ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.’

Yes, everyday is still a struggle; there are days when I feel so all alone, tired from the fight but I have to be determined to not give up. Though some days my mind tells me that life is not worth it anymore, I cannot listen. I will find the strength within me and God is there somewhere, even when I don’t feel Him. So when those days overwhelm me and I feel I have tried everything and nothing works; I have to remember how far I ‘have’ come and remember that I will come out on top, stronger in the end.

I will no longer look at myself as a victim but as a conqueror. It’s the fight that makes me stronger. Yes this illness is looked upon so differently then any other illness. If I had cancer, kidney failure, heart disease, diabetes, etc. all of which are looked upon with concern, support and compassion (and so they should be). But because it’s a mental illness, many, not all, look at you in a different light, really so much so that you are looked upon as being defected. They look at you as if you are a different person; and yes I agree that the illness does change you but it’s not your fault nor is it mine. I hate this illness for all it as done to me but I am coming back; all in time. It’s so difficult for friends and even family to sometimes understand what’s going on because of our mental illness. But educating themselves is the best defense against misunderstanding our behavior and separating themselves from us, when in reality there as never been a time when we needed them more.

Today I realize we all struggle with something; whether that being a sickness, addiction, lost, marriage struggles, loneliness and hurts. But I also realize today that if we feel that we have tried it all and nothing works. Then I am here to tell you (and to remind myself) we still have hope, hope in God, hope in ourselves. It may not be an easy road but it’s a one that leads to hope, light and a one that we are not walking alone. When we loose faith in God and ourselves, it’s then we have nothing left; we have no hope. So let’s keep hope alive and never give up!

July 23, 2018July 25, 2018

Incomplete

My pen doesn’t want to move anymore, like it’s stuck in quicksand. It just stays there, nestled in my hand. I look at it and wonder, what is it you want to say? It starts to move, picks up momentum and we’re off! Summer is here and with that comes the expectations of fun times, barbecues, friends over, water fights, leisure and relaxation. That sounds amazing, so exciting, so full of life but for me so out of reach.

No matter how hard I try, the expectations of summer just doesn’t come by so easily. Depression builds up a wall that separates you from what you really want; to be truly happy. It’s like the harder you try the further away your dream fades. You know what you need to do but you just can’t get there; it keeps moving further and further away. Depression kills your spirit; it leaves you feeling INCOMPLETE. And that’s probably one of the best words to describe what depression does to you, it makes you feel incomplete. Like there is always something missing, it steals a piece of you that you can’t find anymore, no matter how hard you search.

You know you’re not right, that there is something wrong but you are trapped , you can’t get out, you can’t change it. It’s out of your control. I feel like I have lost myself and can’t find ‘me’, no matter how hard I search; I can’t be found. My identity is lost, I don’t know who I am anymore. Please come back; whoever you were, I liked the other person a lot better. I was a perfectionist, I would go above and beyond to help others, I gave my job 110%. I was the responsible one (most of the time) and the one other people could count on. Now I can’t even count on myself for me, I’m afraid of who I’ve become. How could depression change me so much? Will I ever be ‘myself’ again?

Depression really does change who you are. I grieve and mourn for that person I use to be. I managed my own business for 28 years, like any other professional, but today that is so impossible, my illness has taken away my ability to perform in that capacity and I miss it so much. It was such a large part of who I was, I loved it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment, professionalism, purpose and socialization. But I know within me, I will never do that again and I have to let it go. But letting go is never easy, it’s been six years and I still have days when I wish I could go back to those days. But I know I have to look forward and hope that one day I will thrive again.

There’s nothing glamorous or pretty about depression. But opening up about it and letting other people know just how I feel is one of the best things I could have done. I’m hoping that people aren’t disappointed that I’m not the person I used to be, that depression as taken it’s tole on me. I fight every day to be the best that I can be; maybe there are days that I don’t feel like talking. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t know what to say anymore. Then there are days when I seem a million miles/km away, when really I’m still here, it’s just my brain has captured my thoughts and I’m held prisoner inside my own mind. Or some days I may not laugh as much as I used to, my burden of sadness overwhelms me and steals my laughter. There may be days I just want to run away and not have to face anyone. But that’s what depression as done to me, it’s no one’s fault and certainly not mine because if I could change it I would do it in an heartbeat. My real self is still there, somewhere underneath my depressed self. Depression does not define who I am, it will try; but it will not win, it just can’t.

So whether its summer, winter, spring or fall; it doesn’t matter. When depression strikes it doesn’t always take the season into consideration. But it’s so hard when it’s a beautiful summer day and the sun is shining in all of it’s glory but in your mind the sun isn’t so bright anymore. Depression as clouded it’s beaming rays and darkened shadows follow your every footstep.

If you know someone who suffers from depression or any other mental illness, please realize that it is mental illness that as changed them. They didn’t choose to have this illness and if there was ever a time in their life when they needed your understanding and support; it’s now. Just be there and maybe one day at a time, they will gradually come back to you.

July 17, 2018July 17, 2018

I’m Done

It seems like forever since I have written a blog about me. I sat down in my office, put the white, blank paper in front of me, equipped myself with my weapon; the pen. And stared blankly out the window in front of the desk, with not a word to write. I was DONE, empty, tired and alone. Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything left to write about but maybe my mind was bombarded with thoughts and I just didn’t know where to start. I wanted thoughts to heal myself and words to help someone else. But I felt neither.

I’ve been down this road so many times, and yet today feels like this is my first entry. Depression and anxiety are so hard to write about; the vastness of their symptoms and their indescribable pain, make it impossible to write on paper. Yes, I have come so far but life’s triggers make it so easy to go two steps back. It’s a constant battle that I will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. But because of how far I have come, I believe I can do this. Not for anyone else but for me. That may sound selfish but in reality it’s not at all. Let me explain; depression is an illness for me, it’s not a feeling that I can turn on or off. I cannot make myself better for someone or something else, it doesn’t work that way. If it did I would have done that a long time ago. If my heart is sick; I can’t fix it. If my kidneys were sick; I can’t fix it. If my brain is sick (and it is, I am not denying that); I can’t fix it!

What I do every day is work with what I have. Some days are fairly good, other’s are not; not unlike any other illness. My depression as told me so many lies but I have come to terms with that and accepted that that’s what they are; lies. My illness as told me I am weak, when in reality in order to cope with this illness, you require the strength that is far beyond our own human strength and for that I give God all the Glory. Another lie; I am worthless, when really I am bought with a price. And nothing can separate me or you from the love of God. No matter what we have done, how worthless we feel; God loves us just as we are. My illness as made me feel so insecure within myself; I am not a good father, I am not a good husband, I am not……and the list goes on. But these insecurities stem from what depression as stolen from me. But everyday, day by day, I’m taking it back. It’s hard work and it’s going to take time but I am determined, with God’s help, to conquer every battle this illness throws in my path.

I’m taking back everything that I have lost, it may take a lifetime but I will do it. I am certainly not there yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I am worth it, I am strong, I am secure, I am courageous, I am a fighter. And if you are out there and you know what I’m talking about; you can do it too. Believe in God, believe in yourself, just believe! You can do it!

July 16, 2018July 17, 2018

Lauren’s Wish

It’s summer; warm refreshing days, long evenings, free time to play, children running, jumping, skipping, swimming. Enjoying all that life has to offer with no expectations, just pure freedom. And for children that’s exactly what it should be. They deserve nothing but the best, free of the responsibilities and cares that we as adults have to undertake as part of life.

For a few children this is not necessarily the case. The things that most parents just take for granted ( I’m not blaming them) we pray everyday for Lauren. Cerebral Palsy as stolen so much from her. But we try so desperately to give her a life of hope, normalcy, play and to explore the world as she sees it.

The older Lauren gets the more we realize that Lauren as so many obstacles to overcome, not just from her illness but also from society as a whole. From getting from point A to point B requires our assistance. Accessibility will always be a struggle, because not everywhere you go is wheelchair accessible. I have been an advocate, on Lauren’s behalf, to make our space in this world a little more accessible. Surprisingly enough and sadly, not everyone are too anxious to conform to accessibility. Then we are experiencing the ugliness of inclusion; not always do we find people/organizations with open arms to include Lauren as an equal member of society. Sometimes being all inclusive turns out to be quite the opposite. But again, I will be Lauren’s advocate and make sure that she feels included. Just because her legs aren’t working and she as to use a wheelchair; makes her no different then if a child is wearing eyeglasses to see or hearing aids to hear. All inclusive means just that; ALL inclusive, none left out.

We are not in denial, everyday is a constant reminder of Lauren’s challenges but that doesn’t mean we don’t want the best for her but in order for that to happen we may have to overcome many obstacles, challenges, struggles, stigma, ignorance and false hopes. We still have days when we wish Cerebral Palsy would just go away and leave us alone. To let Lauren just live a ‘normal’ life. We understand that everyone has their own struggles, hurts and pain but I’m writing about Lauren’s today. Sometimes I wonder will we ever get to a point of acceptance; I don’t think so, not as of today anyway.

Lauren’s last words before falling to sleep last night was, “I wish I could walk like Bruddy.” What do you say? How do you say it? Lauren ‘may’ never walk like Bruddy. We have already been told that Lauren will always need the assistance of a wheelchair, walker and aids. Do we accept the expertise advice of the medical field? To be honest, I don’t know anymore!

If we don’t, we have one option left. And that would be a miracle from God Himself. Would that be possible? I pray it would be. Yesterday the statement was going over and over in my head, ‘If Jesus could do it then; He can do it now.’ Well, here she is Lord, she’s all yours. If you want her to walk, do your work! But if not, please help us to accept your will and please carry her over the many bumpy roads she is going to come in contact with. At those times may you carry her…..

July 10, 2018

Are the Roads Bumpy Today?

I know sometimes it seems like my blog is all about my own illness and sometimes that’s probably true because I feel I can talk about myself and it doesn’t bother me too much. I try desperately to update and fill you in on Lauren’s journey with her cerebral palsy. But to be honest; I often put it off because at times it is just too painful to write about. An innocent angel that doesn’t deserve what life has put in her path. The last time I shared was on May 16th, when Lauren had her osteotomy on her left hip. And then she was in a spica cast for 6 weeks; we did all survive but it was rough going. Lauren has had more then her share of pain and challenges. And then there’s Logan who’s caught in between all this chaos. But he’s such a great, big brother; they just adore each other.

Just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse; on June 26th she had the cast removed. We were certainly not prepared for the horrific pain that Lauren would have to endure. For weeks, every time she moved she would go into a rage of screaming in pain and fear. This was especially difficult for Logan as well, he didn’t like for his little sister to be in so much pain.

It’s now July 8th and Lauren is still having pain and pretty much confined to her bed where she fines most relief from pain. She is very limited now to what she can do; she does sit up in her chair for approximately 45 minutes but then she wants to go back to bed. And riding in the van is very uncomfortable and painful, especially on a bumpy road and most of our roads are fairly rough. I was putting her in the van today and she said, ‘are the roads bumpy today?’.

Today, July 10th, Lauren saw her surgeon again. He wanted to do the other hip next week but couldn’t get it worked out, so he is now hoping for the following week. How are we going to put her through all of this again? Oh my God, life is so unfair. No matter how many tears that fall, it doesn’t change a thing. No matter how many prayers we pray, the reality of the torture, pain and tears don’t go away.

The continuous, never ending surgery after surgery consumes every ounce of strength we have. Days when you feel you have nothing left to give but you have to go on. So much depends on us, so much responsibility, so much care. Lord, how do we do this again and again? My faith cries out to you today, please help! We cannot do this alone; a power, a strength greater than ourselves has to intervene. Please help us to trust in you. Our ship is sinking in this storm of life; please wake up, don’t you care that we perish?

July 2, 2018

Guilty

I feel guilty, guilty that I feel sad, empty, useless, lost…. I could go on and on. When will this ever end? Will my tears ever stop from flowing? I’m usually the one trying to encourage someone else through this horrible, never ending (it seems) illness of depression. But today I need someone to encourage me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that I will get through this again.

As I write, tears stain my paper, I try to stop them but they won’t stop. The fear overpowers any thoughts that I may have. It awakens me from my sleep and panic starts to creep in. I tell myself it’s going to be okay, that I’m okay; but the fear tells me that maybe I’m relapsing. But I know I cannot let that happen; but how do I stop it from happening? For someone who has this disorder, it’s like saying I’m going to stop myself from getting cancer. Yes there are things we can do to help prevent both illnesses but we cannot stop it from happening. But I have to stop it! I/we will not survive another relapse. This illness can destroy anything in it’s path. Just like a raging forest fire; it can consume anything in it’s path.

I’m trying desperately to stay out of it’s path. To find a way to safety and refuge. It’s so hard to try and talk about how I am feeling. The words that would fall from my lips are not words you want to share. Words you just want to hide and never have to speak. But sometimes I just have to talk, to write, to blog; or if not, I would explode and drown in my own despair.

I’m wanting so desperately not to have to fight anymore. Why can’t I just ‘be’? I’m tired of fighting, tired of having to be what the world expects me to be. When in reality the last few days have been brutal, when behind my curtain of shame and guilt, I’m not feeling like the life of the party.

Why now? Why does it feel like I’m lost in a sea of desperation? Maybe I do have a lot on my plate; triggers that awaken my sleeping monster of depression. Overwhelmed by life itself but I have to be strong, be happy, be alive. When in reality, I feel depression as killed my spirit. Is there hope that my spirit can be revived? Can I resuscitate my deflated spirit? I must, I will, I shall!

Is it possible to rebuild and restore my broken spirit? It seems today is a day of questions but I need answers. I have to believe they will come. Maybe there are some questions that have no answers. Because they are questions, I guess doesn’t necessarily mean that they have answers. Maybe tomorrow will come with a renewed spirit, a mended broken heart, a new lease on life. There has to be a breakthrough, there just has to be!

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because I’m having a bad few days. If I had any other illness, would I feel guilty? Why is it that mental illness is associated with so much guilt, shame and embarrassment? I’m hurting and in pain; and for that I will not apologize. I just live in hope that tomorrow will be better.

June 26, 2018

“MY” 12 Step Program for Better Mental & Spiritual Health

The 12 Step Program was created by the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous to establish guidelines for the best way to overcome an addiction to alcohol. The program gained enough success in it’s early years for other addiction support groups to adapt the steps to their own needs; ranging from Cocaine Anonymous to Debtors Anonymous.

What impressed me the most about this program is the heavy emphasis on spirituality. The language emphasizes the presence of God as each participant understands Him, and for me that would be God. It is already established that the only way to overcome an addiction of any sort; is we cannot do it alone, we need an higher, spiritual power. And so it is with a mental illness; if we are going to survive, we need God.

With my experience with a mental illness, I believe this 12 Step Program could both be beneficial and adapted for someone suffering a mental illness. Here are “MY” 12 Step Program to better Mental & Spiritual Health.

We first have to acknowledge that we have a mental illness, stop living in denial, seek help and speak out. We have nothing to be ashamed of.
Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to better mental health.
Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, for only He can see us through this dark hole.
Search me oh God and know my heart today.
Admit to God and ourselves that we are powerless and rely totally on Him to walk this road with us.
Ask God to remove anything in our lives that is unlike Him.
Forgive us of our shortcomings.
Ask for God’s forgiveness of our past and live in the moment.
Place our future in God’s hands and trust that He knows what He’s doing.
Admit when we are wrong and learn from our mistakes.
Spend time in prayer, meditation and solitude, praying only for knowledge of His will for us.
Having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And may we know that He will never leave us or forsake us.

June 26, 2018

Comfort in Trouble

It basically took me a lifetime of suffering with depression to realize that there was probably a good reason for all this pain. It could not have all been in vain and nothing good could come out of it all. There had to be a reason, a purpose, for all this misery that depression and anxiety had brought to my life. The fire of this illness had consumed me to nothing but ashes. But out of the ashes there will come some good.

I was reminded of this very fact when I recently read this from a devotional, which said, ‘The tough things we experience can help us understand others, relate to others and gain valuable resources with which we can help others’. I knew there had to be something positive hidden under all those ashes. And when I started digging, I realized what it was. To help others! I believe that the most effective person that could help someone with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts; is someone who as walked down the same road.

I may not have all the answers but I can feel the pain, feel the hurt and listen without judgement. And I am someone who totally ‘gets it’, I understand where you are. When others don’t understand, not because they don’t care but because they haven’t been there; they aren’t where you are and therefore just cannot fully comprehend what it is you are going through.

In recent years I have dealt with more hurt, pain and trials then I have in all my lifetime combined. And I have often asked God, ‘why?’. Why do I have to experience so much tribulation?And I’m sure in your own situations you have questioned God and asked, ‘why?’. And the only answer I could find is found in 2 Corinthians 1:4 “God comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble”.

I guess God had it all figured out before I even existed. I learned two life lessons from this Bible verse. One is that God comforts me in all my tribulation. So no matter what my troubles are, I can be assured that God will comfort me no matter the circumstances that I might find myself in. He is present in the rain and the sunshine. Secondly, I believe God knew in order for us to be touched by someone else’s infirmities; we would have to experience them for ourselves. Because I have a mental illness, I can be a comfort to someone else who is dealing with a mental illness themselves. Nothing brings me greater pleasure, a feeling of accomplishment and self worth; as does when I have encouraged and offered support, hope and comfort to someone else.

So mental illness; you haven’t beaten me down, you haven’t destroyed me, you haven’t had the last word. You have not won! God will bring light out of the darkness, good out of the bad and comfort out of our tribulations and trouble. In Him will I trust!

June 23, 2018June 24, 2018

Through The Fire

May I be real, honest and truthful? Why do I feel the need to be honest? Why can’t I for once tell you a lie? And my answers, why can’t they be what I would love them to be? Why do they have to be what I so don’t want them to be? Why? Why? Why?

The day is saturated with sunshine and beauty on this Saturday morning. God’s creation is alive and in full bloom; the trees, flowers and even the grass, expresses the awesomeness of God’s handiwork. This is what my eyes see.

But no matter what I see with my eyes, I cannot deny what I feel mentally and on the inside. But God I’ve been in this storm long enough, please stretch forth your hand and speak, “Peace be still”. I’ve passed through the waters, I’ve walked through fire and at times I feel I’m drowning and times when I feel I’m consumed by the flames. But please remind again of your promise to me that, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze” Isaiah 43:2 NIV. But Lord, why do I feel like I’m drowning, burning with this storm? My mental illness still sweeps over me like a river, it’s flames consumes me like a raging forest fire. But my faith still looks up to you, my trust is still in you. Please remind me dear Lord, that you are in control and you won’t let me/us go.

There’s a song that The Crabb Family sings, Through the Fire; that really sums up what I’m feeling and trying so desperately to express.

Through the Fire

The Crabb Family

So many times I question the certain circumstances
And things I could not understand.
Many times in trials my weakness blurs my vision
And that’s when my frustration gets so out of hand.
It’s then I am reminded, I’ve never been forsaken.
I’ve never had to stand one test alone.
As I look at all the victories, the Spirit rises up in me.
And It’s through the fire my weakness is made strong.

He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again

I know within myself that I would surly perish
If I trust the hand of God, He’ll shield the flame again.

Just hold on
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again.

So, yes, I’m walking through the fire; but I’m walking. We live our lives with so much uncertainty, it’s not black or white for us. Lauren’s cerebral palsy alone has brought so much heartache and questions that it could literally break the heart of God.

Lauren was sitting on the sofa this morning, doing her ‘homework’. Then she ask me to bring her to her bed and as I’m carrying her, my heart is breaking. She has no mobility whatsoever and every step she makes, we make them for her. I was once again reminded of her limitations.

It’s such a beautiful day and i just want her to run outside and play. I don’t even envy other children or wish for Lauren what they have, I just want what’s best for Lauren. And today sadness and heartache ravishes my body for her sake. Only us and God really knows what’s in store for Lauren and its a long, hard road. Today I’m a little angry, maybe angry that I’m so helpless and there’s so much that’s out of our control. I just want to fix her; and maybe she’s not broken at all. Maybe it’s me that really needs to be fixed but I can’t even do anything about that.

One morning this week, Lauren wanted to pick a promise for Daddy from the promise box we have nestled on the side table. Maybe she knew I needed to be reminded of God’s faithfulness. The promise is taken from Jeremiah 29:11. “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Oh to have the faith of a child.

Today I will pray for strength, wisdom and guidance. So when I am going through deep waters and rivers, when I walk through the fire; may I have the assurance that I am not alone and He has a plan already sat in motion to give me hope and a future. In Him will I trust; even “Through the Fire”.