I haven’t written much lately about my mental health because I feel if I do, it makes it real; I have to relive each painful moment. The last few weeks and months I have fought a war from within. Trying to convince myself that this was going to go away and if I wished long enough it would disappear. And right now I may not feel okay but I have to believe that it’s going to be alright.
I compare my mental illness to a sleeping beast, sometimes that beast is quiet and other times it’s a roaring lion. And right now that lion is unleashed and I am fighting for my life. The overwhelming symptoms make it difficult to cope with life, even the little things. But I can’t give up, give in, I have to fight.
My illness has total control over my life right now and losing that control is so scary. How do I put into words something that is so painful, so frightening? There are no words really. Nothing can ever explain the way it feels. The feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that it brings just put you in a state of panic; and this panic is disabling. Nothing makes sense and trying to navigate through it is near impossible.
I’ve been weeks just trying to write this blog; it’s even difficult to put two sentences together. Your thought process is anything but focused. But I feel I need to write, maybe not as much for myself but to help others to see the reality of this dreadful disease. And a reminder that we know so little of what the person sitting/standing next to us is struggling with. Many times these people are the ones you would least expect; so don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Pain can be hidden deep inside where the light doesn’t always shine. I want to encourage others who are struggling; to just hang on, tomorrow will be better.