Month: October 2024

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The Lion Within

I haven’t written much lately about my mental health because I feel if I do, it makes it real; I have to relive each painful moment. The last few weeks and months I have fought a war from within. Trying to convince myself that this was going to go away and if I wished long enough it would disappear. And right now I may not feel okay but I have to believe that it’s going to be alright.

I compare my mental illness to a sleeping beast, sometimes that beast is quiet and other times it’s a roaring lion. And right now that lion is unleashed and I am fighting for my life. The overwhelming symptoms make it difficult to cope with life, even the little things. But I can’t give up, give in, I have to fight.

My illness has total control over my life right now and losing that control is so scary. How do I put into words something that is so painful, so frightening? There are no words really. Nothing can ever explain the way it feels. The feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that it brings just put you in a state of panic; and this panic is disabling. Nothing makes sense and trying to navigate through it is near impossible.

I’ve been weeks just trying to write this blog; it’s even difficult to put two sentences together. Your thought process is anything but focused. But I feel I need to write, maybe not as much for myself but to help others to see the reality of this dreadful disease. And a reminder that we know so little of what the person sitting/standing next to us is struggling with. Many times these people are the ones you would least expect; so don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Pain can be hidden deep inside where the light doesn’t always shine. I want to encourage others who are struggling; to just hang on, tomorrow will be better.

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The Seasons

The colours of Fall have splashed it’s vibrant hue across the picturesque landscape. A painting that could only be captured by the Master of Artists; the Creator of Heaven and Earth. The beauty could take away the breath of any beholder. I know it was always one of my favourite and inspiring seasons of the year. But for someone who suffers from seasonal affective disorder or other mental health disorders, the changes of the seasons could certainly be a trigger to exacerbate the already troubling illness. The dormancy of the trees and plant life could be a reminder of the dying earth. Then there’s the lack of daylight and increased darkness that could cloud the mood of any sufferer of SADs (seasonal affective disorder).

I was never officially diagnosed with SADs but I’m sure I can surely self diagnose. From my own personal experience, I believe it’s next to impossible when you suffer from Major Depression to not be affected by the seasons. Any change, no matter what that change may be, can greatly affect your depression. I think a large reason for this is that with change comes the inability to control the change and thus you feel out of control and there is no worse feeling then losing that control. I believe it’s human nature to want to be in control of your life at all times.

Over the last few weeks and months I have struggled with my mental health. Having said that, when have I not struggled with my mental well being? Albeit sometimes more then others. Thankfully over the past few months i have certainly been in a better place than I have been for years. The reality of my diagnosis is that there is no cure. So I live with this disease; the best that I can. And with medication my symptoms are much more controlled and therefore I can live a somewhat ‘normal life’. And for that I am grateful.

Yes I have days when I wish things were better but then I am reminded that things could be so much worse. So I will take all the good days I can and be thankful for what I have and not dwell on what this illness has taken from me. And believe me, it has taken so much. But I will not give up, I will not give in, I will keep going, no matter what! Thankful and grateful for ‘every’ day!