Month: December 2023

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Mental Illness; the Joy Killer

I’m angry, there, I said it! Maybe angry is a bit of an harsh word but I can’t think of another that sums up how I’m feeling. This has been one of those days when I’ve needed to write but every time I attempted to, I couldn’t. I know if I started writing, I would never stop.

The thoughts and emotions were anything but joyous. I’m angry, angry at me for being me, I hate what mental illness has done to me; it kills my joy and leaves me empty. I need to fight back but I’m so exhausted. And then life itself has been more then any human being should have to deal with. We have fought two near death experiences where Lisa was intubated in order to save her life. This trauma has left us with scars that well last a lifetime. Then I lost my Mom, I loved her more then life itself. We only get one Mom and she’s gone; no second chances. It’s so hard to grieve when you have many other responsibilities that demand your every moment. And then two of our very good friends passed away, it seemed like death was all around us and we were losing those we loved much too soon.

To say the least; 2023 was not without its challenges, hurts, disappointments and pain. Then to top it off, Lauren had two major surgeries in Montreal. Surgeries that we struggled with for so long; were we doing the right thing? Was this in the best interest for Lauren? But what other choices did we have? None! This was early summer and now it’s the end of the year and we have faced so much disappointment. Right now discouragement invades our thoughts, we see little improvement and still so many uncertainties and yes we worry; with good reason.

Again today I was reminded of just how imprisoned I felt. Lisa had to attend our friend’s funeral alone because one of us had to stay home with the kids. It seems we can do very little as a couple. We are caregivers 24/7, 365 days a year. I’m not complaining, I’m just stating the facts; the reality of the life of caregivers. It’s tough!

I thought by now that things would have gotten a little easier but today just proved me wrong. It felt like my world was crumbling all around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And that reality stirred up some very unpleasant emotions within me. It made me feel once again that we were so isolated and that feeling of being alone in a very busy, big world just overwhelmed me once again.

I find it very difficult to look the other way and ignore the state of the world. The war in Gaza, the homeland of the birthplace of our Saviour, is left in ruin and war rages on with no, “Peace on Earth”. No cease fire for the Christmas Season. I believe there’s not much that I can do but I can pray for peace, we can all pray for peace.

In spite of all this turmoil within my own world and the world abroad; I still have to find peace and hope in that baby that was born in Bethlehem all those years ago. He is still in control, He still calms our storms or sometimes He just calms His child.

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It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

Yes, I have a mental illness and yes, I’m struggling. I’m not okay but it’s okay not to be okay. When you have a mental illness it’s like you are walking on thin ice and at any moment you are going to fall through and drown.

With life there comes so many challenges and facing those challenges when you are well or may I say, ‘normal’ can be tough. But when you struggle with your mental health these challenges can be a trigger; a trigger that can invade your already fragile mind. And God knows I have had my share of challenges and triggers over the pass few months. Let me share with those of you who are struggling, to those who find this joyous season, not so joyous. In reality, life is certainly not an Hallmark movie but sometimes life can throw hurdles at us that can easily break us and leave us overwhelmed, hopeless and alone. There’s a quote I thought worth mentioning, “The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about”. And believe me, in my lifetime with mental illness I have won many battles that others know nothing about.

Maneuvering through life’s triggers (meaning an event or situation that can ‘cause’ to happen or exist) that can attack our mental health and impede our ability to function, to feel and to thrive; can be all consuming. When our mental health gets to this point then what we are dealing with is more then poor mental health but a debilitating mental illness.

Personally, today, what I have learned in order to survive this illness is to know my boundaries. I know I can’t do what I could prior to my 2012 mental breakdown, and no it’s not just about my age but more about my ability to cope mentally. So, yes, I have to put boundaries in place; I know what my limits are. I know when to say, ‘no’ and make no apologies. We have to be gentle with ourselves and do what’s best for us and our own mental health. Self awareness and self care go hand in hand when it comes to attaining good mental health. Being aware of our triggers and doing what we have to do to overcome them is crucial in maintaining a functioning level of living.

There’s a simple concept that many people don’t get when it comes to mental health and mental illness; everyone has mental health, but not everyone has a diagnosis involving a mental illness. When we talk about mental health, we’re talking about our mental well-being; our emotions, our thoughts and feelings. In 2019, 1 in 8 people worldwide lived with a mental health condition, a mental illness, a mental disorder. Depression and anxiety disorders were the most common.

You can experience a low mood without living with depression or be anxious without having an anxiety disorder. We need to realize that being anxious (a natural human emotion that we all have) is not an anxiety disorder. A disorder affects your ability to function in your everyday life. A mental illness is largely affected by genetics and brain chemistry, things that are out of our control. Whereas our mental health is largely within our control.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, ‘people that struggle with a mental illness are dealing with not just normal everyday anxiety and low mood but an intensified disorder that limits us from functioning properly in our everyday lives.’

The brain is said to be the most complex organ of the human body. Scientists and the medical field have yet so much to learn. I have lived with mental illness for all my life and yet after all those years, I still have so much to learn. It’s my goal in life to keep learning and to keep educating others; to help us understand, to de stigmatize this so misunderstood disorder of the brain.

If you are struggling today, you are not alone; I get it! Never give up! One day, one hour and sometimes; one minute at a time. And remember there is an higher power, someone that watches over us, He’s walking this journey with us. That is how I have survived thus far and will keep going. May we all find the peace that this season brings.