When I finished writing my book; my story did not end there, my struggle with depression and anxiety continued. I still continue to blog my journey at www.harrislisa72.com. I write as therapy for myself, a means of helping others who struggle and also a way of challenging those who may not understand this illness. This blog will take us down the road of the last few months of my painful and frightening journey.
A relapse? Oh no, that cannot happen and will not happen, I won’t let it happen. Weeks have gone by and I’ve really struggled; I mean REALLY struggled. To make a traumatic experience even more traumatic; I now experience something I feared for years now, that would be panic attacks. They are so frightening, making you feel you are losing ‘it’, you are losing control, your body temperature rises, you break out in body sweats, you panic; really panic…. you cannot breathe. You want to run! But run where? I have learned so much over the years about panic attacks, that I thought I had them under control but I was wrong. Here I was in a full blown panic attack, how could this be happening? After all, didn’t my medication have this horrific symptom of depression and anxiety under control? Now I was really afraid, afraid of returning to an hell I knew I would never survive again.
Life was tough as it were, every day a struggle, every day a challenge. Nothing came easy and I was fighting for my life as it were. I certainly didn’t need anything else to make it even harder. My mornings became my nightmares, I dreaded for my eyes to open, given my present state I didn’t know how I was going to make it through another day. But I knew I had to, there were people depending on me, especially my two children; who became my will to live. Consumed by my depression, anxiety and now once again my panic attacks. I have to survive, somehow.
My nights have become my reprieve, it seemed a cloud would lift once evening came and darkness settled in. I felt if I made it past daylight then I had survived another day. I longed for bedtime, for I knew sleep would help me escape this never ending battlefield of my mind.
So how do I survive? I have to believe I will get well; I done this before and I will do it again. Please God! You have to talk to someone, don’t suffer in silence, so I tell Lisa (my wife) what’s going on. Then it’s back to my psychiatrist who increased my effexor from 300mg to 375mg and just hope that this increase is going to work, now it’s a waiting game. But while I wait it doesn’t end there, I visit my family doctor who orders bloodwork to make sure there’s nothing physically wrong that can cause these symptoms. Next its finding a good therapist, which I did, and now starts the cognitive behavioral therapy once again. Has scary as all this is for me I know I have to keep moving forward, being gentle on myself and taking baby steps. To help my progress I also go for a 30minute walk, I do a lot of self talk, self affirmation and just believe I’m going to be okay.
This journey has been anything but easy. I have to believe there is a higher power that is going to walk this journey with me because there is nothing that feels any worse then feeling you are alone. With my family support, medical support and spiritual support; I WILL SURVIVE!