I may have ‘thought’ I had this thing called depression all figured out. But I’ve come to the realization that there is really no figuring it out. After my long life of living with, sometimes just surviving, this maddening disease, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing has letting my guard down. And even if I did, it would make no difference; this monster could attack at any time.
The last few days have been a fury of unsettling depressive symptoms. My will to just move felt impossible; my body was in a paralyzed state as it were. Depression had invaded my mobility and mind to a point where I just did not have the ability to move. Not that I didn’t want to, because I knew I had to, if I were to overcome this tsunami of overwhelming emotions, then I had to move. But not even moving would awaken the desire to do anything that I would normally love to do; not even painting or writing. I needed to do either for therapy but I could not. I felt numb, lifeless and worthless. And try as I might, I could not fight my way back to ‘the moment’.
There is a large discrepancy and many misconceptions when referring to; mild depression and clinical / major depression. One, major depression is a chronic disorder for which there is no cure, whereas mild depression only last a few weeks or months. Secondly, the severity of your symptoms for major depression are far greater then those of a mild case of depression. Thirdly, an episode of mild depression is usually brought on by a distressful life event, whereas a relapse of major depression may be triggered by a traumatic experience but not always the case. Sometimes a debilitating relapse can occur for no reason at all. This is more the probability of what is happening to me at this point in my illness. Lastly, with mild depression the duration of the episode can last up to six months but there is hope of a complete recovery. I remember when I was officially diagnosed with major depression, I was told there was no cure and the best that the medical field could do was to get me back to a functioning level, not a full recovery. To this day I still get angry at this diagnosis but I am desperately trying to live at a functioning level, one day at a time, and there are some days when that’s not possible. And the past few days that’s where I am.
I hope this blog has given you a better understanding of my illness, an illness that I believe is so misunderstood, so stigmatized and so belittling. I talk about my illness, certainly not for the fame it would bring me but to educate others, encourage others and to just TALK about this , what some would call, a shameful disease. But on my ‘good days’ I feel I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, nothing to make me feel like a failure, a hopeless cause, a nobody. Because the reality is, this disorder will convince your brain just that. But today I’m reminding myself; I’m a somebody, I’m of worth, I’m not hopeless.
The campaign for BELL/Let’s Talk is soon getting underway once again and this has proven to be a great tool. The ironic thing for me when I am not feeling well, is that I don’t want to talk, it’s the last thing I want to do. But I am so thankful for the times when I am well enough and I do want to talk about my illness. And then there are times when I don’t want others to talk to me, I just need someone to listen. If someone you know is suffering from depression, please be that listening ear, sometimes that’s all is required!
