I awakened with that ever abiding voice of depression. I pushed myself out of bed, not because I was lazy and didn’t want to get out but I was paralyzed, disabled by my broken mind. The thoughts of facing the day scared me to death. How can I do this again? Can’t this just stop, can’t I just live a ‘normal’ life for a change. I dragged myself to the kitchen table with my caffeine fix in my hand and threw myself onto the chair. My head was in a total fog. I looked at my wife and said, “Can’t I just have one good day?’ But I knew it wasn’t going to be today. To wake up every morning and have this overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders, I was exhausted even before my day began.
We just celebrated the Easter season, a time of victory, joy and celebration for the Christian. A time when Jesus provided for all humanity the only way to the Father, that being the shedding of His blood. Romans 10:9 ‘If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.’ Having a mental illness has taken away the ability for me to fully experience the joyous feeling of the resurrection but I have learned that I now live by what I ‘know’, not what I ‘feel’. 2 Timothy 1:12 ‘For I ‘KNOW’ whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day’.
It’s very difficult for me to sing the song, ‘Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone.’ I would be lying if I said there were times that I am not fearful. Because there are times I am fearful. I’m fearful of my mental illness and what it can do to me and my family, the fear of a total relapse of my illness, the fear of Lauren’s ever changing health, not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring forth. But I try not to let my thoughts go to tomorrow. I live one day at a time and this morning the thought came to me and it’s pertaining to this song, ‘Because He Lives.’ But for me , who lives with a broken mind, I can say with confidence, ‘Because He lives I can face today’. We are not promised tomorrow so I try not to go there but live today; one minute, one hour, one day at a time. This I know to be true!
I know there are so many out there who feel they can’t go on, life is too much, God wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Don’t believe that, God takes us just as we are, in our brokenness , our messed up minds, our addictions, our broken marriages, our hurts, our abuse, our fears; He takes us just as we are. When we feel we’re a nobody, a nothing, useless, ugly, unlovable human being; He loves us. We are never alone, even when we feel God is nowhere to be found (I know the feeling, I won’t lie), He is right there, standing somewhere in the shadows you’ll find Jesus. He’s the one who always cares and understands. When others have turned their backs on us and we feel all alone, He is there. “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.
You may ask, ‘why do I bring God into the picture when it comes to my mental illness?’ Because I believe the first step to any level of recovery is, we have to admit to ourselves that we have an illness and that we are powerless over it. This is one battle that we cannot fight alone. That is why we need to turn to a Power greater then ourselves, to help us survive this hellish illness. Much like the second step in the AA Program for alcohol addiction. As with any other chronic or terminal illness, we need to turn to a spiritual power that is able to strengthen and walk us through our journey. It’s then we realize that we are not in control, in our own strength we could never make it. Let’s just put things into perspective; when we know we have no where else to turn and we are at a dead end; I believe we quickly realize who we have to turn to. And guess what? He’s there waiting; waiting for you! God is not he enemy, He’s the answer. No matter where you’ve been, no matter what you’ve done, God loves you!
In spite of my constant fight to survive this battlefield in my mind, I still live my best life with what I have and not dwell on what I don’t have. Hoping that today will be a better day and one day I will find peace again, peace of mind.
