Month: August 2019

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Nothing Short of a Miracle

Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. Many have been the ups and downs, the good and the not so good. The challenges, the uncertainties and the ever changing symptoms of her diagnosis. We have learned to take it one day at a time because we never know what looms around the corner.

Just recently Lauren made her fifth trip to the Children’s Shriners Hospital in Montreal for an assessment (August 12-14,2019). Lauren was assessed for two possible surgeries that could help. One being the Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy and the other the bacolofin pump. If you would like to know more about these surgeries, visit our website at www.harrislisa72.com and read; ‘Lauren’s Walk of Fame’.  After meeting with all of Lauren’s doctors and support team, it was decided that Lauren wasn’t a candidate because of the much improvement in her lack of spasticity. And the purpose for both  surgeries was to release some of Lauren’s spasticity, but as of today, August 13,2019, Lauren’s spasticity was not at a point where she would need either of the two surgeries. Nothing short of a miracle! This was good news; we did not want to have to put Lauren through any more pain and now we are hoping her spasticity stays at a minimal amount where surgery is not necessary.

Lauren’s biggest issue now is her dystonia; which is when a person’s muscles contract uncontrollably. This causes the body to twist involuntarily, resulting in repetitive movements or abnormal postures. She is presently on medication but the doctors in Montreal decided to put her on another medication, plus vitamin B6; both of which they are hoping to improve her dystonia. So ends her fifth visit and it’s back home to Newfoundland in the morning.

The plane landed in St.John’s around 6:45 pm and everyone was exhausted and looking forward to getting settled back home. We grabbed a bite to eat and were anxious to hit the road and get home before dark because of the fear of hitting a moose. Mommy was going to be the pilot for this ‘flight’ home, while Daddy sat in the back seat with Logan and Lauren sitting on each side; in the event that a fight broke out between the two and Daddy could go referee.

But before long, the two were fast asleep. Just like the two little angels that we knew they were. When suddenly Mommy screamed, ‘MOOSE’; brakes, swerve, hit moose, impact, loud bang, stop! My first thoughts were; the van is gone, I knew the kids were okay. I asked Lisa, ‘are you okay?’ She said, ‘yes, I’m fine! My next thought was, she’s in shock and doesn’t know she’s hurt. How could she not be? I heard the impact, I saw the moose; it hit the driver’s side. It made perfect aim for Lisa. But she kept saying, ‘I’m fine.’ The kids were fine; frightened but physically okay.

I told Lisa to call 911 for the police. Then once the kids settled, I got out to make sure the moose wasn’t dead on the highway and would endanger coming traffic. I turned on my cell flashlight and walked back the highway to search for the moose. There was no moose! How could that be, I heard the impact, the collision. The moose had to be dead on the highway, but he was nowhere to be found.

Well I thought, I’ll go back and see what’s left of the van. With my flashlight in hand, I scanned the front of the van, there was nothing! I was in disbelief and awe; the van was in one piece. How could this be? I heard, I felt the impact; this van was supposed to be demolished and all I saw was a broken side mirror, small cracks in the driver’s side windshield and a few minor scratches. UNBELIEVABLE!

I was reminded of the bible story of the three Hebrew men who were thrown into a fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar, when they refused to bow down to the King’s image. And when the King looked into the furnace he said, ‘Did we not throw three men in the furnace, but I see four walking unharmed in the flames’. He looked in disbelief, he could not believe what he was seeing. And that was exactly how I felt when I looked at the front of that van, it was basically unharmed and so were it’s passengers. A miracle? I believe!

I will end this blog by simply repeating the words of this song, “To God Be The Glory, Great Things He Hath Done!”

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Just As I Am

Please listen to this well known song as sung by Alan Jackson; “Just AS I Am”. It will give you a better understanding of this blog and draw you a little closer to ‘the Lamb of God’.

I have been days now struggling through my depression and anxiety. The pain and hurt I feel is no different then if I had a physical illness. The constant chronic pain that I feel, never goes away. I write about my illness to educate others, to help end the stigma and to show others they are not alone. And what they are feeling is real!

The brighter the sun shines, the darker the shadows that fall on my path. The more beautiful the days are, the more angry I am with myself because I should be feeling happy and enjoying the summer season that is swiftly passing us by. I’m telling myself to enjoy every moment, because life can change in a second. But my body and mind are not listening, my brain is in a fog, my concentration is interrupted, my thinking process is distorted to the point of finding it difficult to process the simplest thought.

My writing, which in the past I used for therapy, is now a seemingly impossible task. It seems I can’t put two words together, let alone two sentences. This first page ended up in the trash container. But then I knew if I didn’t retrieve it, it would be like giving in to this illness. And I couldn’t let that happen, so I searched through the debris to find that sheet of paper containing my helpless thoughts.

That sheet of paper represented my tormented mind, I just wanted to throw it away and start with a new slate. But that’s not the way a mental illness works, you just can’t turn it on or off, you can’t change it just because you want it to change. It won’t go away with wishful thinking or by keeping busy.

My painting has also been a form of  therapy, which as helped immensely over the past few months. Mental illness as been something that I have desperately tried to describe through my writing and have tried to paint a picture that could come even just a little close to what having a mental illness feels like.  But pen, nor paintbrush have not even come close to describing what this monster as done to me and my family.

I have written over one hundred blogs on mental illness in hopes that I could just break through that wall of stigma that is still so prevalent in our society today. Maybe I might be fighting a loosing battle, which sometimes I believe, but I have to fight, I can’t give up. And maybe one day,  just one day, mental illness will be looked upon as just that, an illness that requires medical attention and support. And one day, maybe just one day, those who suffer won’t suffer in shame, silence or isolation. And one day, maybe just one day there will be no disconnection between a physical illness or a mental illness, for we already know that the mind and body are one.

I’m assuming that people must be tired of reading my blogs concerning my mental health. But I say politely to these people, to just delete me from your social media contacts and I would not be the least bit offended. You see, I don’t write for people with ‘perfect’ mental health, I write for myself and for those who are struggling everyday to fight this non-ending war with their own mental health. And I can totally understand how some may interpret my writing and misjudge, not understand or assume to have all the right answers for my ‘condition’, when in reality they fail to ‘get it’. To be honest, ‘I don’t get it all the time’, I don’t understand it all the time, I have to question ‘why’ sometimes. So how can I expect someone who has never experienced a mental illness to fully ‘get it’, when I don’t ‘get it’ myself. Mental illness is the only illness I know that is so misunderstood; any other illness is just accepted and respected as just  that; an illness; with no stigma attached.

Depression as pretty much destroyed my confidence, my self worth, altered my personality, beaten me down to where I feel useless, incompetent, worthless, hopeless, weak, good for nothing and I could keep going. It as imprisoned me into my own mind and I cannot escape. It as the power to destroy everything in my life. But this week while trying to escape the prison of my own mind, I was reminded of the words of the song which says, ‘Just as I am, though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt; fightings within, and fears without. O Lamb of God, I come, I come! Wow, those words were what I was searching for to describe my illness, those words that could paint the perfect picture in your mind of what it’s like to live in this prison. But it doesn’t leave me there, it directs me to the only one who could guide me through this pain; the Lamb of God! And all I had to do was; Come!

The more I thought about the words of that song, the more I was convinced that whoever the writer was, had suffered depression, anxiety and pain. They knew how I am feeling. They experienced it for themselves. My search led me to the author; Charlotte Elliott. At the age of 32, she suffered from a serious illness that left her disabled for the rest of her life. Although sometimes depressed by her condition, she always felt renewed by the assurance of salvation. Charlotte wrote the song, ‘Just As I Am, Without One Plea’ in 1834. Though depressed with feelings of uselessness and loneliness she was able to write this song in spite of her feelings. In verse 4 of that song she pins the words, ‘healing of the mind’. Implying to me that she longed to be free of the prison in her mind. And to do that she had to come (‘I Come’) to the Lamb of God.

So tonight as I am left here alone with my thoughts, my depression, my uselessness, my loneliness, my fear of the unknown. I softly sing the words to verse 6; ‘Just as I am (broken, tired, weak), Thy love unknown, Has broken every barrier down; now to be Thine, yea, Thine alone, O Lamb of God, I come, I Come !