Month: February 2019

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The “ME” Today

I can’t believe seven years have flown by since my last mental breakdown. Yet here I am still needing to write, still needing that escape, still needing my therapy. Still so far from the high functioning person that I once was. Major depression and anxiety as sure changed who I am. Let’s look into what some of those changes are and explore the ‘me’ I am today. But first let me remind those who are reading this and you are suffering or have suffered from mental illness (in my case, major depression and anxiety) that you cannot compare your illness with mine. Every person is different, each illness is different, your symptoms could be different then mine. Your journey with mental illness may not even compare to mine; the severity of your depression may not even compare. Each individual is different, recovery time may vary and to what extent. You may be able to function at an higher level then what I can. You may not be treatment resistant as I am. So what I’m saying is, don’t be afraid or discouraged that you won’t get well again; when comparing yourself to me. Everyone is different and so is the healing and recovery process.  I use these words cautiously because for majority of mental illnesses there is no cure but we can maintain our symptoms and return to a functioning level again.

I believe mental illness is caused by many different factors. For me, genetics plays a big role, it is my belief that when I was in my mother’s womb, I was predisposed to have a mental illness. I was born this way, it was inherited from my family bloodline. Therefore this is why I cannot remember when I didn’t have to fight this disabling disorder; it’s plagued me all my life. I can say though that I did have many years through my life that medication and drive allowed me to live an high functioning life. So I may have had a mental illness but it did not always have me.

But today, sadly to say, I am still struggling, I didn’t bounce back in the way I thought I would; this breakdown has rendered me disabled and functioning at a much lower level then I had hoped for. One of the many changes in me, is that I can no longer work, leaving me feeling like I am not contributing to society or a provider for my family and as taken my sense of pride away, my sense of accomplishment. But I will have to adjust and refocus my thoughts on other positive energies in my life. All is not lost!

Another change that I’m experiencing is; I find it very difficult to find pleasure in the things I once loved to do. I am not self diagnosing myself but the medical field would call this anhedonia; the inability to feel pleasure. I have certainly improved in this area but when I still experience days of deep depression, I find it very hard to feel pleasure or excitement. But as part of my therapy I try to introduce myself back into some of the things that once brought me pleasure. Such things as; art (especially painting), singing, reading, design, gardening and most of all, writing, an hidden gift I didn’t realize I possessed. And just recently I started a YouTube channel called, ‘Walter on da line’. This is where I play a character named, Walter. With his very ‘strong’ Newfoundland dialect, Walter talks about issues of today and reminisces about years gone by. This also proved to be a very therapeutic and distraction for my mind, from everyday stress. All of which add to good mental health.

A loss of concentration and train of thought are also a change within me that I still struggle with up to this present day. I cannot trust to my mind to remember things anymore; anything that requires memory, I have to write on paper. When it comes to my train of thought, I could be in the middle of a conversation and have to stop because I loss my train of thought; this happens much too often. I am not sure why this still happens, maybe it’s my medication, prolonged effects of ECT or a lingering symptom of my depression and anxiety. But whatever the cause; memory and train of thought loss can be very frightening and scary and yes, sometimes embarrassing.

Sometimes I feel I’ve missed out on a lot of my life. When your mind is overcrowded, fogged and distorted, it’s hard to concentrate and to give your undivided attention to the people and things that matter the most in your life. I find it hard to focus on living in the moment, when your mind is rushing about in a million different directions. But I have to tame this lion within and awaken the ‘me’ that lies deep down inside.

What I miss the most is just waking in the morning and knowing within myself that I could take on or face anything that the day may bring. But I have changed ‘big time’ in this area of my life. I awake now feeling if I will even survive the day or how I am even going to face the day. Each day seems so big and overwhelming but I do survive and I do keep going. I feel I can’t run on empty forever, there as to be a strength other then my own that will keep me going. And to that hope I will trust.

Writing these thoughts and sharing them on paper for all to see, makes me feel so transparent, exposed and vulnerable. But how else will you understand and know the truth about depression, unless someone is willing to tell you exactly how it feels and through understanding the walls of stigma will come down. And by doing so, just maybe I have opened the eyes of your heart to see mental illness for the disabling, cruel, hellish illness that it really is.

 

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My Greatest Fear

Just to show you how unpredictable that Major Depression can be; it was only last week I wrote a blog that would  ‘almost’ give you the impression that my depression and anxiety was pretty much under control. But the last few days the haunting, ugliness of this illness have overpowered my will to survive.

I have experienced a constant feeling of ‘grief’ as it were. Not wanting to talk to anyone, and that had nothing to do with them, but all to do with me; I didn’t want to talk, afraid I would express how I was truly feeling. Therefore I would rather not talk at all, so I didn’t. I isolated and slept every chance I could get, to escape the uncontrollable symptoms that were starting to flood my mind with fear. Fear that I was sinking, fear that I was loosing control of myself, fear of just wanting this constant torment to end.

So tired of this ever recurring nightmare called depression. When will this ever end? Ever? The little task that come so natural and easy for everyone else to do, are so difficult for me. Just making my bed requires self-talk, unloading the dishwasher; so simple but yet so hard. And yet here I am struggling with the littlest tasks but yet facing the greatest challenges of my life. Challenges that I won’t get into but are not just the everyday challenges that everyone has to face on a day to day bases. Much bigger then that and those I try to entrust to my Heavenly Father, who is much bigger and stronger then anything I could do. And live in hope that He’s going to take care of things for me, when I can’t do it myself.

I think when I start having ‘not so good’ days, I become a little anxious or fearful that I’m going to relapse or spiral into a not so nice place; an ugly place where I don’t want to visit anymore. I read a book recently, that was written by an American author, who suffers from bipolar disorder but was doing well with various treatments and medication. And she felt that if she did relapse, she wasn’t overly fearful because there was ‘so much help out there’. Ironic, because my greatest fear of a relapse is knowing the lack of help that is out there. I have used every form of therapy and medication that is available in NL. My trust and faith in ‘OUR’  Mental Health Care System in NL is at a minimal. I cannot say, ‘there is so much help out there’, because I honestly don’t feel that way.

There are new treatments and medications that are available out of Province but are not available here in NL. If these were available to me, I would most certainly participate in availing of these. One promising medication for depression is ketamine. Increasingly, this dissociative anethetic is being examined as a potential treatment in depression cases where other drugs have failed. Sounds hopeful and promising to me, especially since I was diagnosed as treatment resistant. Researchers have called it the most exciting breakthrough in the field of depression research in the past half-century. Some other non-medication therapies (I won’t elaborate on each one but they are treatments that are available outside the Province) transcranial direct current stimulation, repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation, vagus nerve stimulation and deep brain stimulation. But none of these are available to me. And when you feel so hopeless and exhausted from fighting; you would try anything to make the pain go away. Any improvement would be better then none at all. If I lived in an area where these treatments were offered, I’m sure I would avail of them. At least they would give you some hope, some relief because living in NL, I cannot say like the American author that ‘there is so much help out there’. If it’s here, I can’t find it!

So where does that leave me? I have to work with what I have, with what’s available and hope for the best. The best being that I will never relapse to the acute stage of my illness ever again. But there are some days that are so bad, I fear that I could be headed that way. And the best I can do is hope and pray that God will look down on me and in His mercy and grace, He won’t let that happen again. So basically, I pray, trust His promises and fight with all I have, to not let it happen. Sometimes I wonder, do I have to wait until this life is over to escape my pain and suffering. I hope not. I was reminded  of this verse in Revelations 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, no crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away”.

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His Love Has No Limit

I believe it’s when I’m in the most pain, that God uses me the most. My pain triggers my brain to unleash what’s imprisoned in my mind. Some thoughts are impossible to describe by my pen, they have to be lived and felt in order to fully comprehend the pain they bring to one’s life. I am not referring here to the feeling of down-in-the-dumps kind of pain.

When major/clinical depression hits, and it can hit at any moment, without warning; one’s ‘self’ can disappear into the depression, you loose who you really are. Your personality is dissolved with your tears, your soul is destroyed by it’s flames, your being is no more. You exist, nothing more then a robot, you go through the motions. But you search and long for that ‘you’, the one that you once knew. The one that you felt love towards, now you hate what you have become. Not that I have become a monster but quite the opposite. There are times when it seems as though someone came into my space and turned the lights off; I was in complete darkness. That was the acute stage of this illness.

Today I still have this illness and struggle with it everyday. Not unlike someone with any other incurable illness have to struggle with theirs on a day to day bases. I still have days when I find it hard to even do the small tasks that need to be done, but I do them. I now know my limits and only do what I can with what I have. There are still days when sadness overflows me like a flood. And days when my strength and drive is at it’s lowest.

But having said all of that, I believe, and no I’m not getting all religious on you and no it’s not my illness or my medication talking, I am totally of a sound and sane mind. But I am going to tell you that the only way I have survived this illness thus far is through the constant presence of my Heavenly Father. On days when I am not doing so well, I hold onto His hand a little tighter. And when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when I could not hold on; then it was those days that He literally carried me. There is no other explanation. Nothing! The medical field can only do so much and then no more.

But then the Great Physician steps in. And that’s why I’m still here today, to tell you there is hope in Jesus. He is not my last resort but my only hope! And He can be yours too. No matter what you are struggling with today, no matter what your addiction is, no matter your illness, no matter your pain. It doesn’t matter how hopeless you feel, how far down you may be. Jesus can and will raise you up again! There is only one answer, when you feel you have exhausted all resources, He is ‘still’ there.

I want to leave with you a portion of a song that sums up this blog and reinforces what I’m trying to say:

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, His pow’r has no boundary known onto men; For out of His infinite riches in Jesus, He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.                                                           When we have exhausted our store of endurance, When our strength has failed ere the day is half done; When we reach the end of our hoarded resources, Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

I pray today that this blog as reached the ears of the hurting, to the heart that is broken, to the soul that is helpless; may you find peace and healing in the one that loves you unconditionally. He loves you just as you are, no matter what. And if He’s not your Saviour today, it’s not too late. He loves you just as you are; broken, tired, hopeless and lost. Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace are you saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God”.

 

 

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Living In An Unjust World

When Lauren was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at the age of one; I knew we were in for the challenge of our lives. What I didn’t know was what those challenges would entail. We have had many obstacles, uncertainties, and battles that no human should have to fight. We have been bombarded by policy, protocol and ‘the Systems'( there are more then one).

If there ever was a day when I felt I failed my little girl, it was today. If there ever was a day I felt that the ‘systems’ failed her, then that would be every day. It’s been one disappointment after another, but why does it have to be that way? You would think a child with a disability would come first, no matter what; if it meant it was going to improve the quality of life for that child. But that’s not the way our society/world works. Agenda, policy and protocol supersedes the rights and privileges of even a little child. When you are faced with the real world, with a child who has a disability, you soon learn and experience things you would never believe otherwise.

I could share with you many injustices, discriminations, unfairness, inequalities, exclusions and the list could go on. I could name names of people from the school system, the School Board, the Dept. of Education itself, owners of public buildings, including Government buildings, all levels of Government from MHA’s-MP’s, Skate Canada; to name a few. But for our own sakes and the protection of our children, I won’t go there (right now anyway).

I have learned that we live in such a corrupt world, that human life is nothing more than a name or number on a piece of paper. We have fought many battles, that no parent should ever have to fight when they are already fighting against the biggest  battle of  their lives  already, by raising a child with no supports, with so many needs. But I have found that some battles are never meant to be won. And at this point because I have failed to win some of those battles, I feel I have failed.

Just to give you an example, here is an excerpt of an email that I sent to the Human Rights Commission (kind of ironic in a way that I felt I was fighting the Human Rights Commission for human rights!). “So it is with great regret that we wish to withdraw our complaint: not that I don’t believe we don’t have a solid and valid case but we just don’t have the money to pay for a lawyer to represent Lauren. We live in a very unjust Society, when a five year old, disabled child is denied legal counsel because we are not rich. I believe I have failed my little girl but I will not take all the blame, I also feel The Human Rights Commission as failed her because they have failed to provide her with the rights she so deserves as a human being, the Legal  System as failed her and Society as an whole. I will close this matter with a saddened and broken heart on behalf of Lauren. I am tired of fighting for Lauren’s rights and getting nowhere but I can say with certainty that I have tried with all I have, but there comes a time when you know you can do no more and I have reached that point”. This is just one of the many battles that we have been fighting behind the scenes, that nobody knows about and there are more.

The energy, the stress and stamina that is required to fight such needless battles is overwhelming. We are tired and exhausted but we have to go on and make the best life we can for Lauren, despite the forces that are against us.  She deserves so much more, but lives in an uncaring world (for the most part, not all); that policy, protocol and agenda come first. I feel nothing but sadness for those who enforce these policies and protocol. I don’t know how they sleep at night, when they would rather protect their own agenda over that of a five year old, disabled child. And that my friend, is why we live in an unjust world!

 

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This Ugly Hell

Let me go for just five minutes, let the fetters that bind me be loosed. Let me feel that I’m okay, and not as fragile as what I feel. If I go outside my comfort zone, I  won’t fall apart. What’s it like to feel ‘normal’; I can’t remember.

The day wants me to just run and run; destination unknown. There is no where I can go to escape my tumultuous mind and find relief. Sleep helps but even in my sleep, my dreams haunt me with unforgettable terror. And in my subconscious mind I know I have to awake; awake to face the fears of another day.

The Goliaths of the day seem so defeating, I have no ammunition to fight back. I’ve been beaten down once too many times. My Goliath says, ‘stay down, don’t get up.’ But I can’t give up, there are those who depend on me, I have to keep fighting, to keep going. How many times do you have to be near defeat before you just give up and say, ‘I’ve had enough?’ The Goliaths of the day are not just my illness but in my family has an whole.

This battlefield in my mind, isn’t about my spirituality but my broken mind. A mind that is frightened to death, too afraid of living but even more fearful of dying. So I’m caught in the middle, in limbo, not really living life to it’s full potential but dying a slow torturous death. But wanting life, wanting purpose, wanting to feel human.

I remember those days when my mind and body were so sick, I just wanted to die. My brain was shut down and thus my body couldn’t function either. I was sick of trying medications that were of no benefit, giving me no reprieve, no hope. ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) had diminished what little brain function I had left.  When ECT failed, medications weren’t alleviating my symptoms, counselling and psychotherapy were not earth shattering but nothing that could really free my dying mind.

Life as never been the same and in all likelihood will never be the same again. We have experienced many life altering traumas. Every day of my journey of living with a mental illness, is a constant battle; a war that never ends. But learning to live with this broken mind is my only hope of surviving. I can put no dependence in the medical field to cure me (there is no cure) or even come close, nor do I expect someone else to take my pain.

Most days I feel I’m surviving because I have an hope in my Creator and there are days when I feel  nothing at all. But it’s those days that I hope in God that I feel I will survive this. I feel sad for people who are in my situation and suffer from a mental illness and have no hope at all. Where do they go? What do they do? Who do they turn to? I have hope because I have to believe there is a greater power then myself. And He will see me through,  even when I feel hopeless, when I feel helpless, when I feel all alone, when I feel defeated. I do have the hope that He is there with me and that keeps me going; one day at a time.

Many may say, ‘but you are a born again Christian. Why or how can you be feeling this way?’ It’s because when you become Christian you are not exempt from sickness. Jesus didn’t promise a life without trials and tribulations; what He did promise was to be with us through these storms and hardships. So I have to have faith that He is with me at all times, even when I am having a really bad day. Others may be thinking,’ but you have a beautiful family; a wife and two beautiful children. I do and I love them dearly but I also have an illness. For those who just don’t get it, that’s okay, maybe one day you will fall into the pit of depression and then you will know what I’m talking about, but I would not wish that for you; but none of us are exempt. It’s because I have a wonderful family that I  fight so hard to be well. If I had cancer, I would do the same. I would fight with everything I have in me to beat it. But sometimes we can fight and feel like we are loosing the battle.

Many days I  live in fear that I would have a relapse. But I try not to dwell on the ‘what if’s’ but live by faith, that the mercy and grace of God will see me through. Romans 8:37 ‘In all these things we are more then conquerors through Him that loved us’. So, I am a conqueror, I will fight, I will not give up! If you are reading this and you are suffering and in pain, let me encourage you today to put your trust and faith in the God who cannot fail.