Month: October 2018

Posted on

The Seasons of Life

It’s Fall, one of the most beautiful, scenic seasons of all. The bright, vivid colors of leaves as they hold on tightly to the trees; not wanting to fall off. The cool, fresh, clean air of the wind whispers the ghostly sounds of Halloween. Winter is fast approaching with it’s chilly winds, sparkling blankets of snow and all the trees are laden by the weight of the white, sugar-like powder on it’s branches. The seasons come and go, we have no say in when and where, much like the seasons of our lives. Life is built around seasons; some cold and sad, some warm and happy, others filled with uncertainty and unpredictability but this one thing we know; they will come and then they will go. Nothing last forever, not even the seasons of life.

Today is Halloween, ironically you can feel the airy, ghostly feeling of the season, as I glance out my window at the grey, silent atmosphere. With nothing but the sounds of black crows screaming in the distant air. I wonder what they are saying? ‘Hurry winter is coming’! Or maybe, ‘Halloween is here, watch for the ghosts and witches flying overhead’.

Logan is gone to school, overflowing with excitement and wonderment of what the day will bring. Halloween is here and all the excitement it allows for kids, even the kid in all of us. Logan decided to be ‘pikachu’ from pokemon. And of course so did Lauren (her’s is a girly pikachu) but sadly, Lauren can’t get out this year. Right now she is still confined to her bed and only gets out when it is absolutely necessary and that is always against her will because when she moves she is in so much pain and fear. But we will try to put her costume and give her a form of Halloween. It fills us with so much sadness but we will make it as special as we can for her sake; sometimes the seasons of life are not very fair or kind.

Maybe the next season, things will be better. It is so easy to loose hope and faith when your season of life is a boisterous winter storm. But maybe, just one day, our season will change to the bright, sunny days of summer. And from the wise words of my father, ‘Tomorrow will be better’. I will cling to that hope and believe in his wisdom, that things will get better.

Posted on

Something Beautiful

“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that we can go through a great deal of darkness yet still become something beautiful.” The third stage of a butterfly’s life is called the chrysalis. This is where the caterpillar forms itself into a cocoon. Inside this small, dark chrysalis is where all the action takes place and the caterpillar is transformed by metamorphosis into a beautiful butterfly.

Mental illness, sickness, cancer, cerebral palsy, etc. can bring  much darkness into your life. And so often you have to question, why? Deep down you pray that there has to be some beauty that will emerge from all this ugliness. While we are inside the cocoon, the storm is raging on the inside, but it’s here that the changes are taking place. If we didn’t experience this stage, this season in our lives; we would always remain a caterpillar, something not so beautiful, intriguing and powerful. But it’s in the darkness, we emerge into something more beautiful, more powerful, more strong then we ever thought possible.

Right now, I am still at the metamorphosis stage. I’m still changing, still evolving and still hoping that I am becoming someone more beautiful on the inside, stronger then I ever was before and a better person because I have experienced so much darkness and brought down to the valley of life. But it is in the valley that we are restored, we grow, we emerge. If we were always on the mountaintop we would never experience growth and new life.

I do thank God for the dark times (maybe sometimes a little unwillingly), for the valleys; even when I don’t understand, I just pray that He would keep us all in the hallow of His hand. And one day, I believe that we will ‘come forth as gold’. For in Job 23:10 we read, “But He knoweth the way that I take; when He hath tried me, I SHALL come forth as gold”

Do I believe today, that I have come forth as gold? No, but I have to believe and not loose hope that one day, in His time, I will! So if you are experiencing a very dark place in your life today, be encouraged, you too can and will come forth as gold. You can go through a lot of darkness but you will see the light again and shine with beauty. Remember God loves you, you are not alone.

 

Posted on

No Options Left!

The screams of terror, fear and pain fill the house. No, we are not watching a horror movie; it seems we are living it. Logan rushes to close the bedroom door because he can’t bare to hear his little sister in so much pain. It was just Monday, October 22,2018 that Lauren had her third spica cast removed. For anyone having a cast removed is never pleasant but for Lauren it’s even worse because her cerebral palsy exemplifies itself by spasticity(tightness)  of the muscles.

Because her muscles have been unable to move within the cast: they are now weak, tight and very little control over her movement. If she is moved at all, even to do a pamper change, throws her into an horrifying rage. We have to put her in a bath of epson salts and very warm water to help relax and awaken her now ‘sleeping’ muscles. Getting her from the bed to the bathtub is nothing short of a nightmare. She is clawing at my neck in hopes of getting relief from the fear and pain. Once she gets in the tub with Mommy, she starts to settle down and relax a little, to a point where she is just floating. We do this for about twenty minutes. Then its time to get out and the terror starts all over again.

Why am I telling you all of this? It’s because I want to educate and make you aware of what’s involved in caring for a child with a disability. And also to make you aware that our insensitive, non caring, non compassionate Government does nothing to help. We has her parents feel so all alone and no support, we have to provide 24/7 care ourselves with  no respite care because we can’t pay for it ourselves and our Government as declined  any help whatsoever. We are not complaining about what we have to do, because we love Lauren and would give our lives for her. But we believe we deserve a little help from our Government to receive some respite care. We are only human and we are running on empty and this road is just beginning and we are falling beneath the load already.

What do we have to do to get some help? I am tired of pleading with our Government officials MHA, MP, Minister of Health, Minister responsible for the Status of Persons with Disabilities, etc. Where did I get with all this advocating? No Where!

Where else can I go? What else can I do? We have run out of options and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Who can help? Who will help? Someone as to do something and I’m calling upon our Government to get their heads out of the sand, to hell with policy and do what’s right for this little girl and her family.

Posted on

A Father’s Plea

This is a post I put on Facebook, but I thought I would share it on my blog as well:

On Monday Lauren will have an X-ray to see if her cast is ready to come off, we are praying that everything is healed and the cast will be removed. It is far beyond my finite understanding how she can endure what she does. She as practically spent all summer and up to this present day in bed and in a body cast. I know people mean well and say things like; ‘ well that’s great that she is out of cast’ and it is. But it’s then the pain begins and we have to listen helplessly as she screams through days of intense therapy. We have to believe there is an infinite God of mercy, grace and strength for all of us; including Logan who feels every pain that ‘Sissy’ endures.
I am a firm believer in prayer but I also believe that faith without works is dead. So I am putting this out there, as much as we need prayer, Lauren is also in need of so much; including her own accessible bathroom, a stander which cost $3000 and the list will just keep growing. We will never be able to provide her with any of this because of our limited income. I know there are those out there who could provide her with anything she needs and it wouldn’t put a dent in your bank account but yet you say you pray for her and I thank you. And there are people that say, ‘is there anything we can do’? Well, I’m asking and the ball is in your court. May God today open someone’s heart and realize that all needs are not across the sea but some are right here at home.
The bible says,’you have not because you ask not’; well I am swallowing my pride for Lauren’s sake, and asking. I am not exploiting Lauren’s situation but sharing that you may get an understanding of where we are. Lauren can get nothing from Government funding and our fundraising is just not enough to meet her needs. She deserves so much better, her life thus far has been filled with so much pain and we have to do all that we can do to make her life a little more comfortable. Because we know her suffering is not over, her journey is just beginning. Please don’t leave us alone to ‘walk’ this journey alone, we need you!
A plea for help from an helpless Father,
Harris

 

Posted on

Never Take Today For Granted

To say that the last few days have been anything but wonderful, would be an understatement. Nothing as changed in my life that would trigger a flare up of my anxiety and depression. It just happens, I have no control over my illness when it decides to control my mind and body.

Yes, I did say, ‘mind and body’. This illness affects every aspect of your life, and some days leaving you crippled and disabled. Confined to the most inner core of your brain and leaving your body paralyzed as it were and difficult to move. Trying desperately to move and fight this war within. When on your very bad days you just want to give up, lie down and sleep away your emotional pain. But I cannot always do that, my anxiety makes it very difficult to relax even enough to fall to sleep. When my eyes open to the morning light, I cannot just lie there and enjoy the warmth and comfort of my bed, my thoughts would run away with me; so in order to not over think things, I have to get up and move. Staying there in my cozy bed would only exasperate my symptoms and make me feel worse. Getting up and moving is the best thing I could do for myself and everyone around me.

Hobbies certainly help in the control of my illness. But when I am really low, hobbies are the last thing I want to do. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to just take a break from it all. But I can’t let this break last too long because if I did nothing for extended periods of time, it would only increase my depression and anxiety. So I have to give myself a little pep talk, then a kick and try as best I can to get back on track. None of which comes easy for someone with a mental illness but life is not always about being easy.  The mental fatigue that comes with this disorder drains you of any physical energy that you may have, thus leaving you depleted and exhausted.

Life’s everyday responsibilities and demands put so much pressure on us to perform. Even for someone that is well; that can get overwhelming. But for someone struggling day in and day out with a mental disorder, it can seem impossible to do. So I can only do what I can and no more. I have learned how to say, ‘no’ and I know my limitations. My first priority is my family and I try desperately to be the best father and husband that I can be, in spite of my limitations and I know there are times I fail but I do give all that I have and sometimes because of my illness, that is just not enough. But I have to accept that I can do no more then what my mind and body allows. When you do your best, with what you have, you can do no more.

Today I pray will be a better day, I never give up on hope. And when I do get a good day, I give it all I got and enjoy it to it’s fullest. Because we never know what tomorrow is going to bring. Never take today for granted because our lives can change in a moment.

Posted on

A Mind That Tries To Die

It’s an early, Fall morning and I just got Logan off to school. I walk in the house, after coming back from Logan’s bus stop, and there’s not a sound, total deading silence. Lisa and Lauren are still sleeping, probably after another restless night of Lauren being in her body cast. It seems she gets her best sleep in the morning. So I, not wanting to wake them, decide to sit at my desk and quietly play with my iphone. I had no intentions of writing but changed my busy mind when I scrolled upon a post that read, “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die”.

If there ever was the perfect  description of what depression is, because it is very difficult to describe in words, this would be the perfect description. I have lived a lifetime of battling this illness and doing so mostly in silence. It’s only in recent years that I have chosen to speak openly and honestly about my depressive disorder. I have on more then one occasion prayed to God, to just let me die. To escape the pain and hell I was enduring at that moment, to free my family of having to live with the torment, fear, and worry that I had inflicted on them from having this illness and lastly to finally have peace of my own. To not have to live in constant torment, to not have to live with a mind that would not stop to rest, to quiet that inner voice that would not shut up. Even to this day,I still struggle, maybe not to the extent that I have in the past; but I still struggle. I would be lying to you if I said I weren’t. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have and my faith in God.

To get back to where I am today, did not come easy and I have to work each day to be the best that I can be. Living a ‘normal’ life with a mental illness does not come naturally or easily but with a lot of endurance, courage, strength and faith. If you are reading this and you can relate or ‘get it’, let me just share with you some words of wisdom that I have learned from having depression and have helped me to survive.

Let go of the PAST! No matter how painful that past may  have been, holding on to it will not make you feel any better. It will just keep eating away at you, mouthful by mouthful, until there’s nothing left. Letting go doesn’t  mean that you’ll forget but letting go gives you permission to live the life you have today, at it’s best. So let’s live today, live for the moment, it’s what we have; this moment.

Let’s stop worrying about other people’s opinions and judgments of us. We are, who we are, we are unique and that is not a bad thing. Stop ‘people pleasing’ , we will never please everybody and when we do, we free ourselves to live our own best life and not have to constantly be concerned about what someone else thinks.

Believe in yourself. And let’s not limit our beliefs to what other’s tell us. Believe in something because you know it’s right, not because someone else told you too. You have the power within yourself to form your own belief system. Doing so will release the power to live your best life. Believe in you, you are worth it!

Relationships; be very selective, cautious and aware of who you allow into your life. Relationships sometimes can ‘break’ you and that be a friendship or an emotional (love) attachment. If we need someone else to “complete” us, then we are walking a dangerous road. Having said that, relationships are a part of life and we certainly need them to enhance our lives. We certainly need them for love, support and companionship. If there are people in our lives that only bring negativity, then maybe we should rethink that relationship.

Don’t base your self worth on the worth of your bank account. If I did that, I would probably be worthless. Don’t let the decisions in our lives be made by money but by following our hearts. I had to come to terms with this when I became unable to work. It’s only now that I realize my worth is not based on my income. But what truly matters is my heart’s worth. I could have all the money in the world and still live a miserable life. And I could be the poorest in the world financially but be the richest on the inside.

And lastly my greatest means of survival has been my faith. A faith not based on any worldly contribution but a faith based solely on God ( not a god). And that being a God that is not confined to the four walls of a Church but a God who holds the Universe in His hands. A God that loved me when I did not love myself, a God that loves me unconditionally, just as I am.

So today if you are fighting to survive, with a mind that wants to die. Be encouraged, you are stronger then you think, there is hope, on your most hopeless days. Don’t give up, the sun will shine again!