Month: September 2018

Posted on

In His Hands

Night falls, day breaks; what will this day bring? Can I do this again? My strength is depleting , but life requires so much endurance and I wonder where does my strength come from? As a human being we have a limited supply, there is a fuel tank and there are times when I feel I am running on empty. But then once again that still small voice speaks to me and reminds me that, ‘He is my strength’.Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”. Exodus 15:2 says, “The Lord is my strength and my song, He has given me victory”. Nehemiah 8:10 “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength “.

My life is anything but stress free. I am sure we all have stress in our lives and I am not comparing. I am just sharing my experience, to remind myself and to help others who feel they have no hope. I suffer from depression and have so all my life, I was born with it, genetics plays a big role in my illness. Choice was never an option. Do I become angry and blame everything that ever went wrong on my illness? I can and have but that’s the past, I cannot live there anymore. I now try to live in the moment (notice I said ‘try’, sometimes my human side tries to go back). But Philippians 3:13-14 says, “But one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus”. Is this easy to do? Not at all but in order to survive and live a life that is somewhat ‘normal’ I have no choice. I just pray everyday for His strength, to be mine. And I have to believe that His promises are true.

Everyday I am plagued with my illness, it’s a never ending battle. Would I like to be healed of this illness? Of course I would, there’s nothing I would like more (except for Lauren’s healing). But that’s not God’s will right now for Lauren or me. Does that make me angry, discouraged and question God? Yes it does! But so did the apostle Paul, he pleaded with God to remove his ‘thorn in the flesh’. But God said, ‘no’. He does assure us though of His grace and strength in our sickness and infirmities. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, ‘And He (God) said to me (Paul), ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me’. ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong’. The dictionary definition of infirmity is ‘a physical or mental weakness’. I guess for me that would be my mental disorder, it’s what makes me feel weak but in reality because of this weakness, Christ’ power rests upon me and therefore I am strong. What an amazing encouragement for those of us who feel weak, beaten down and broken. Our strength is renewed daily through Him who died for us.

So on those days when I feel like a nobody, worthless, hopeless and good for nothing; I am forever reminded of God’s love for me. I don’t measure myself anymore by Society’s standards because if I do, I will surely fail and never measure up. But God loves me just as I am, Jeremiah 31:3 ” I have loved you, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself”. On those days when I don’t love myself, God reminds me that I am His and He loves me with an unconditional, everlasting love. Roman’s 8:38-39 reminds me every day; “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”.

Today we have to take Lauren back to the Janeway for her post surgery check up. Here we have our five years old little girl lying in bed with a body cast (for the third time). Does that give me cause to be angry, sad, to question? Yes, of course it does, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. I bring her to the Lord in prayer for healing, but that healing never comes. Is that cause to be upset and question God? In my human weakness, yes it is. But I know that God is much greater than I am and He knows what He’s doing, He knows what’s best, even when I feel lost and helpless; He’s still in control. And I have to learn to take it one day at a time and to trust in Him fully. Lauren is in His hands, whatever the future holds; we are all IN HIS HANDS.

Whatever this day may bring, I know I am not alone. My strength comes from Him and Him alone. So be encouraged today; God loves you; you’re IN HIS HANDS!

Posted on

Lauren’s Walk of Fame

Daddy’s writing again, he must have something big on his mind (He calls it getting inspired). Mommy, Daddy and Bruddy(Logan) are my biggest fans. They want the absolute best for me, but you see I have Spastic Quadriplegia Cerebral Palsy and that creates a lot of problems for me; especially when it  comes to mobility. But we believe one day mobility won’t be an issue, and my wheelchair won’t be my form of mobility but I will be able to walk on my own.

Today I am lying flat on my back in an hospital bed at the Janeway Children’s Hospital in St.John’s, NL. I have spent a lot of my time here since I was diagnosed at age one but now I am five. Just yesterday I had my third dega osteotomy and as well I had my adductors released (cut). Three surgeries in one.  In children with spastic(tight) muscles, who are unable to walk, the hip joint does not always develop properly. This was the case for me, therefore I had to have this surgery on both my hips to correct the abnormal hip development and prevent further dislocation and prevent or reduce pain in the hip. But unfortunately for me, the first time I had the surgery, the hip became displaced again and the surgery had to be redone. I’m hoping this will be my last osteotomy, because I want to move on to my next plan of attack.

To present, I have made four trips to the Shriners Childrens Hospital in Montreal, for an assessment to determine if I would  be a candidate for the Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy. Which is really my only hope (other then God) of walking, but four of the times it was determined I was, as of yet, not a good candidate. What this surgery entails is; opening up the lower back to separate the ‘rootlets’ in my nervous system, which would ease/release the tightness/ spasticity of the muscles in my legs, which would hopefully allow me to walk or at least some form of mobility. But right now, that’s not happening anytime soon but we are still believing that it will happen sometime in my future. Because I really want to walk.

My next plan of attack after I am fully recuperated and both hips are in good working order; is another trip to Montreal. This visit to the hospital there would be to determine if a baclofen pump would be beneficial and work for me. A three day trial would determine this. If this is successful then a programmable pump and catheter that delivers baclofen  which helps relieve severe spasticity; by supplying the medication directly into the intrathecal  space where fluid flows around the spinal cord, would be surgically inserted inside the skin around the abdomen area. This would supply a steady supply of baclofen to the spine and in turn reduce spasticity. This would be a temporary alternative until I was ready and a good candidate for the rhizotomy surgery.

So it ain’t over yet and we are not giving up. The journey may be long, but our prize is the destination; that being one day I will walk just like Bruddy. And will never ask the question again; ‘why am I in a wheelchair?’ Miracles happen, I’ve already proven that. My strength, resilience, determination, willpower and drive will all help me reach my destination. You just wait and see!

 

 

Posted on

Back To School Disaster

Have you ever felt beaten down; well I feel beaten down today. Ever since our child came into the world, we’ve been like any other parent and want nothing but the best for her. But that best is so obstructed by so many different means. And sadly to say, it’s only parents of special children that understand.

Excuse my expression, but it best sums  it  up, “You are damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t”. I have advocated for disabled children on so many levels, it certainly doesn’t win you any popularity contest. But I’m not in this for the prestige or the social status. In reality, people look at you, as if you are committing a crime. Dare not fight for equal rights, all inclusion, accessibility, policy change or disturb the comfort zone of the ‘normal child’.

I am so amazed at our ‘all informed society”; that kids today don’t know what a wheelchair is. If parents could just take a moment and educate their children that we are all different, even if we don’t have a disability (a one we can’t see anyway). And different is not a bad thing, it’s okay to be different. For those who don’t know how to explain what a wheelchair is, I will do it for you. A wheelchair is a chair that has wheels that allows a person that has legs that don’t work because their brain is damaged and can’t tell their legs to move. Therefore they require a wheelchair to provide mobility (allows them to get from point A to point B) so they can move around independently. Having legs that don’t work is no different then someone having eyes that don’t work properly and therefore they have to wear glasses to see. Or maybe someone has ears that cannot properly hear and thus they have to wear hearing aids in their ears to hear. Because you have a disability doesn’t mean you have a intellectual disability; I’ve met people standing on two legs with very little intellect. It’s not rocket science, it’s simple; diversity is what makes us unique not defected.

Again this week, that ugly word came up again, policy, don’t get me wrong policy is great if it works; whether it’s our health care system, education system or legal system. But trying to adapt and adjust a five year old little girl with CEREBRAL PALSY into the school system that is bombarded by policy. WE can’t do this because that’s our policy, we can’t do that because that’s our policy; then to hell with policy. If it’s not working, and obviously it’s not, then it’s time for some change or a little tweaking. If this little girl is forced into an environment that she sees as frightening, scary and overwhelming and CP just intensifies these emotions. Then certainly our school system can adapt and adjust to a little change in policy to accommodate a little child, for what’s best for her; not the system. After all aren’t we living in an all inclusive society? So let’s protect our children, not the system. And for that to be done in “a nurturing, supportive, INCLUSIVE environment where all children are challenged and valued”. This week my thoughts have been challenged and disturbed to the cop out in order to save one from having to deal with conflicts to ‘policy’.

In order for this little girl to adjust properly, due to her CP, requires her to do it gradually with a parent or someone she is totally comfortable with, present to reassure her that this is a safe environment. This will only happen when she is introduced on HER terms; not the schools, not the unfamiliar team and certainly not the policy. Once she is eased into the environment, the parent can gradually exit the building and she can become the independent, intelligent and happy child that we know she was and is. If the school is not willing to make these adjustments, then this little girl will be having a very short school year. And only those who can help are the ones who right now strictly enforce policy that obviously requires leniency in practice.

For the protection of the school and child; names have been withheld.

 

 

 

Posted on

The Search For The True Me

Please click on the link below or copy and paste in your URL to read another sad story of a young pastor  who lost his life by suicide. https://www.facebook.com/566080522/posts/10160895596230523/

I cannot stop from exposing mental illness, the urgency and desperation that is felt throughout the world, is ever rising. Never before have we lived in a world/society that is so highly stressed; the expectations that are placed upon individuals are overwhelming, the pressure to be the perfect husband, father, wife, mother, professional and provider are just beyond being realistic. We live in a fantasy environment, where we have unrealistic goals set for ourselves by society. WE have sat ourselves up for failure. We are not perfect and we do not live a perfect life, so lets stop pretending! The facebook cookie cutter lifestyle is the pressure cooker for developing poor mental health and self worth. Where will it all end?

Sadly, many who feel they cannot cope with the expectations of  society, the pressures of life and mental illness; turn to desperate measures; drug abuse,  alcohol abuse, suicide and  anything that will kill the hurt and heal the pain. And we wonder why we have a drug problem on our hands, we need not wonder. Our need and drive to be happy, for some can only be found outside themselves. If we are looking and searching outwardly we are setting ourselves up for a big let down. Happiness cannot be found in anything outside ourselves.

But how do we find happiness within ourselves; when all we feel is sadness, emptiness, loneliness, worthlessness and the list can goes on? To begin with; we are not our thoughts or another way of looking at it is, we are not our minds. There is more to me then my mind and my thoughts. I am a being, a living soul, a spiritual being. That part of our being that exist deep, deep down inside us. It’s not an organ of the body but its our Being. Because a thought enters my mind, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is real or true. Many times our thought are distorted and untrue; so we cannot always listen to our thoughts and let them define us.

We find happiness within us by releasing our past, letting it go; no matter how painful. If we hold onto the past we will never heal, we will never move forward. Letting go basically means giving it over to a spiritual power, someone bigger, someone all knowing. Letting Him bear the weight. We don’t have to carry it anymore. 1 Peter 5:7 says, ‘Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.’ And when we do, it’s like a heavy load that we’ve been carrying is lifted.                                                                                                                                                                         Not only do we need to release the past but we also have to give Him(God)  our future. We have no control over what the future holds but we can trust that He will take care of that for us as well. Surrendering our past and future to Him doesn’t come easily or instantaneously; it will take time and practice. We have to learn to trust in Him and all will be well. Matthew 6:25 says, ‘Take no thought for tomorrow(don’t worry); for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself.’ Once we learn to surrender both past and future to Him, then our mental health and spiritual health will flourish.

The greatest lesson I’ve learned in regarding my mental health is, living in the moment, some call it mindfulness. The moment is all we have, the past is gone and the future is not ours to own. This requires taking control of our thoughts; our thoughts will travel both to the past and to the future. But it’s here we have the power within ourselves to control these thoughts. When we travel in either direction we have to bring our thoughts back to the moment; to the here and now. It’s in this moment we will find peace, happiness, joy and contentment; no matter what our past and no matter what the future, we can find happiness right in this moment.

So if you are hurting today, if you are tired from trying to be okay, if life’s expectations have become overwhelming, if you feel you just don’t measure up, if you have an addiction that is out of control and destroying your life, if your past is too painful to go on and your future seems hopeless; don’t give up!  I don’t claim to have all the answers, I don’t, but I do know that with time and God; you can do this. Believe in yourself, you are worth it! I won’t pretend this will be an easy road but you are not alone.

Each of us were put here for a reason, there is a purpose and we will find it. Mine did not come with twenty- eight years of being a business owner but mine came with a lifetime of suffering with a mental illness (major depression and anxiety). Being a business owner was not my purpose in life, it was my job, it did not define who I was on the inside. But now I feel my purpose is to tell others that they can survive and live with a mental illness because I am living proof. I can speak from my heart, from my soul, from my innermost being because I have lived the horror and I can tell you there is hope, there is happiness, there is joy; in spite of it all.

This is an amazing song that  has brought  me much hope!  May you find encouragement, hope and strength in the words and music!