Month: July 2018

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Incomplete

My pen doesn’t want to move anymore, like it’s stuck in quicksand. It just stays there, nestled in my hand. I look at it and wonder, what is it you want to say? It starts to move, picks up momentum and we’re off! Summer is here and with that comes the expectations of fun times, barbecues, friends over, water fights, leisure and relaxation. That sounds amazing, so exciting, so full of life but for me so out of reach.

No matter how hard I try, the expectations of summer just doesn’t come by so easily. Depression builds up a wall that separates you from what you really want; to be truly happy. It’s like the harder you try the further away your dream fades. You know what you need to do but you just can’t get there; it keeps moving further and further away. Depression kills your spirit; it leaves you feeling INCOMPLETE. And that’s probably one of the best words to describe what depression does to you, it makes you feel incomplete. Like there is always something missing, it steals a piece of you that you can’t find anymore, no matter how hard you search.

You know you’re not right, that there is something wrong but you are trapped , you can’t get out, you can’t change it. It’s out of your control. I feel like I have lost myself and can’t find ‘me’, no matter how hard I search; I can’t be found. My identity is lost, I don’t know who I am anymore. Please come back; whoever you were, I liked the other person a lot better. I was a perfectionist, I would go above and beyond to help others, I gave my job 110%. I was the responsible one (most of the time) and the one other people could count on. Now I can’t even count on myself for me, I’m afraid of who I’ve become. How could depression change me so much? Will I ever be ‘myself’ again?

Depression really does change who you are. I grieve and mourn for that person I use to be. I managed my own business for 28 years, like any other professional, but today that is so impossible, my illness has taken away my ability to perform in that capacity and I miss it so much. It was such a large part of who I was, I loved it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment, professionalism, purpose and socialization. But I know within me, I will never do that again and I have to let it go. But letting go is never easy, it’s been six years and I still have days when I wish I could go back to those days. But I know I have to look forward and hope that one day I will thrive again.

There’s nothing glamorous or pretty about depression. But opening up about it and letting other people know just how I feel is one of the best things I could have done. I’m hoping that people aren’t disappointed that I’m not the person I used to be, that depression as taken it’s tole on me. I fight every day to be the best that I can be; maybe there are days that I don’t feel like talking. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t know what to say anymore. Then there are days when I seem a million miles/km away, when really I’m still here, it’s just my brain has captured my thoughts and I’m held prisoner inside my own mind. Or some days I may not laugh as much as I used to, my burden of sadness overwhelms me and steals my laughter. There may be days I just want to run away and not have to face anyone. But that’s what depression as done to me, it’s no one’s fault and certainly not mine because if I could change it I would do it in an heartbeat. My real self is still there, somewhere underneath my depressed self. Depression does not define who I am, it will try; but it will not win, it just can’t.

So whether its summer, winter, spring or fall; it doesn’t matter. When depression strikes it doesn’t always take the season into consideration. But it’s so hard when it’s a beautiful summer day and the sun is shining in all of it’s glory but in your mind the sun isn’t so bright anymore. Depression as clouded it’s beaming rays and darkened shadows follow your every footstep.

If you know someone who suffers from depression or any other mental illness, please realize that it is mental illness that as changed them. They didn’t choose to have this illness and if there was ever a time in their life when they needed your understanding and support; it’s now. Just be there and maybe one day at a time, they will gradually come back to you.

 

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I’m Done

It seems like forever since I have written a blog about me. I sat down in my office, put the white, blank paper in front of me, equipped myself with my weapon; the pen. And stared blankly out the window in front of the desk, with not a word to write. I was DONE, empty, tired and alone. Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything left to write about but maybe my mind was bombarded with thoughts and I just didn’t know where to start.  I wanted  thoughts to heal myself and words to help someone else. But I felt neither.

I’ve been down this road so many times, and yet today feels like this is my first entry. Depression and anxiety are so hard to write about; the vastness of their symptoms and their indescribable pain, make it impossible to write on paper.  Yes, I have come so far but life’s triggers make it so easy to go two steps back. It’s a constant battle that I will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. But because of how far I have come, I believe I can do this. Not for anyone else but for me. That may sound selfish but in reality it’s not at all. Let me explain; depression is an illness for me, it’s not a feeling that I can turn on or off. I cannot make myself better for someone or something else, it doesn’t work that way. If it did I would have done that a long time ago. If my heart is sick; I can’t fix it. If my kidneys were sick; I can’t fix it. If my brain is sick (and it is, I am not denying that); I can’t fix it!

What I do every day is work with what I have. Some days are fairly good, other’s are not; not unlike any other illness. My depression as told me so many lies but I have come to terms with that and accepted that that’s what they are; lies. My illness as told me I am weak, when in reality in order to cope with this illness, you require the strength that is far beyond our own human strength and for that I give God all the Glory. Another lie; I am worthless, when really I am bought with a price. And nothing can separate me or you from the love of God. No matter what we have done, how worthless we feel; God loves us just as we are. My illness as made me feel so insecure within myself; I am not a good father, I am not a good husband, I am not……and the list goes on. But these insecurities stem from what depression as stolen from me. But everyday, day by day, I’m taking it back. It’s hard work and it’s going to take time but I am determined, with God’s help, to conquer every battle this illness throws in my path.

I’m taking back everything that I have lost, it may take a lifetime but I will do it. I am certainly not there yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I am worth it, I am strong, I am secure, I am courageous, I am a fighter. And if you are out there and you know what I’m talking about; you can do it too. Believe in God, believe in yourself, just believe! You can do it!

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Lauren’s Wish

It’s summer; warm refreshing days, long evenings, free time to play, children running, jumping, skipping, swimming. Enjoying all that life has to offer with no expectations, just pure freedom.  And for children that’s exactly what it should be. They deserve nothing but the best, free of the responsibilities and cares that we as adults have to undertake as part of life.

For a few children this is not necessarily the case. The things that most parents just take for granted ( I’m not blaming them) we pray everyday for Lauren. Cerebral Palsy as stolen so much from her. But we try so desperately to give her a life of hope, normalcy, play and to explore the world as she sees it.

The older Lauren gets the more we realize that Lauren as so many obstacles to overcome, not just from her illness but also from society as a whole.  From getting from point A to point B requires our assistance. Accessibility will always be a struggle, because not everywhere you go is wheelchair accessible. I have been an advocate, on Lauren’s behalf, to make our space in this world a little more accessible. Surprisingly enough and sadly, not everyone are too anxious to conform to accessibility. Then we are experiencing the ugliness of inclusion; not always do we find people/organizations with open arms to include Lauren as an equal member of society. Sometimes being all inclusive turns out to be quite the opposite.  But again, I will be Lauren’s advocate and make sure that she feels included. Just  because her legs aren’t working and she as to use a wheelchair; makes her no different then if a child is wearing eyeglasses to see or hearing aids to hear. All inclusive means just that; ALL inclusive, none left out.

We are not in denial, everyday is a constant reminder of Lauren’s challenges but that doesn’t mean we don’t want the best for her but in order for that to happen we may have to overcome many obstacles, challenges, struggles, stigma, ignorance and false hopes. We still have days when we wish Cerebral Palsy would just go away and leave us alone. To let Lauren just live a ‘normal’ life. We understand that everyone has their own struggles, hurts and pain but I’m writing about Lauren’s today. Sometimes I wonder will we ever get to a point of acceptance; I don’t think so, not as of today anyway.

Lauren’s last words before falling to sleep last night was, “I wish I could walk like Bruddy.” What do you say? How do you say it? Lauren ‘may’ never walk like Bruddy. We have already been told that Lauren will always need the assistance of a wheelchair, walker and aids. Do we accept the expertise advice of the medical field? To be honest, I don’t know anymore!

If we don’t, we have one option left. And that would be a miracle from God Himself. Would that be possible? I pray it would be. Yesterday the statement was going over and over in my head, ‘If Jesus could do it then; He can do it now.’ Well, here she is Lord, she’s all yours. If you want her to walk, do your work! But if not, please help us to accept your will and please carry her over the many bumpy roads she is going to come in contact with. At those times may you carry her…..

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Are the Roads Bumpy Today?

I know sometimes it seems like my blog is all about my own illness and sometimes that’s probably true because I feel I can talk about myself and it doesn’t bother me too much. I try desperately to update and fill you in on Lauren’s journey with her cerebral palsy. But to be honest; I often put it off because at times it is just too painful to write about. An innocent angel that doesn’t deserve what life has put in her path. The last time I shared was on May 16th, when Lauren had her osteotomy on her left hip. And then she was in a spica cast for 6 weeks; we did all survive but it was rough going. Lauren has had more then her share of pain and challenges. And then  there’s Logan who’s caught in between all this chaos. But he’s such a great, big brother; they just adore each other.

Just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse; on June 26th she had the cast removed. We were certainly not prepared for the horrific pain that Lauren would have to endure. For weeks, every time she moved she would go into a rage of screaming in pain and fear. This was especially difficult for Logan as well, he didn’t like for his little sister to be in so much pain.

It’s now July 8th and Lauren is still having pain and pretty much confined to her bed where she fines most relief from pain. She is very limited now to what she can do; she does sit up in her chair for approximately 45 minutes but then she wants to go back to bed. And riding in the van is very uncomfortable and painful, especially on a bumpy road and most of our roads are fairly rough. I was putting her in the van today and she said, ‘are the roads bumpy today?’.

Today, July 10th, Lauren saw her surgeon again. He wanted to do the other hip next week but couldn’t get it worked out, so he is now hoping for the following week. How are we going to put her through all of this again? Oh my God, life is so unfair. No matter how many tears that fall, it doesn’t change a thing. No matter how many prayers we pray, the reality of the torture, pain and tears don’t go away.

The continuous, never ending surgery after surgery consumes every ounce of strength we have. Days when you feel you have nothing left to give but you have to go on. So much depends on us, so much responsibility, so much care. Lord, how do we do this again and again? My faith cries out to you today, please help! We cannot do this alone; a power, a strength greater than ourselves has to intervene. Please help us to trust in you. Our ship is sinking in this storm of life; please wake up, don’t you care that we perish?

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Guilty

I feel guilty, guilty that I feel sad, empty, useless, lost…. I could go on and on. When will this ever end? Will my tears ever stop from flowing? I’m usually the one trying to encourage someone else through this horrible, never ending (it seems) illness of depression. But today I need someone to encourage me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that I will get through this again.

As I write, tears stain my paper, I try to stop them but they won’t stop. The fear overpowers any thoughts that I may have. It awakens me from my sleep and panic starts to creep in. I tell myself it’s going to be okay, that I’m okay; but the fear tells me that maybe I’m relapsing. But I know I cannot let that happen; but how do I stop it from happening? For someone who has this disorder, it’s like saying I’m going to stop myself from getting cancer. Yes there are things we can do to help prevent both illnesses but we cannot stop it from happening. But I have to stop it! I/we will not survive another relapse. This illness can destroy anything in it’s path. Just like a raging forest fire; it can consume anything in it’s path.

I’m trying desperately to stay out of it’s path. To find a way to safety and refuge. It’s so hard to try and talk about how I am feeling. The words that would fall from my lips are not words you want to share. Words you just want to hide and never have to speak. But sometimes I just have to talk, to write, to blog; or if not, I would explode and drown in my own despair.

I’m wanting so desperately not to have to fight anymore. Why can’t I just ‘be’? I’m tired of fighting, tired of having to be what the world expects me to be. When in reality the last few days have been brutal, when behind my curtain of shame and guilt, I’m not feeling like the life of the party.

Why now? Why does it feel like I’m lost in a sea of desperation? Maybe I do have a lot on my plate; triggers that awaken my sleeping monster of depression. Overwhelmed by life itself but I have to be strong, be happy, be alive. When in reality, I feel depression as killed my spirit. Is there hope that my spirit can be revived? Can I resuscitate my deflated spirit? I must, I will, I shall!

Is it possible to rebuild and restore my broken spirit? It seems today is a day of questions but I need answers. I have to believe they will come. Maybe there are some questions that have no answers. Because they are questions, I guess doesn’t necessarily mean that they have answers. Maybe tomorrow will come with a renewed spirit, a mended broken heart, a new lease on life. There has to be a breakthrough, there just has to be!

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because I’m having a bad few days. If I had any other illness, would I feel guilty? Why is it that mental illness is associated with so much guilt, shame and embarrassment?  I’m hurting and in pain; and for that I will not apologize. I just live in hope that tomorrow will be better.