Month: April 2018

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I’m ANGRY!

Anger isn’t an emotion that I like to feel. But I’m human and today I’m angry. I’m not angry at God, He is the one and only person that I know I can pour my heart out to and He understands. So no, I’m not angry at God; He’s my Rock, my burden bearer, my healer, my friend.

So often we have the tendency to blame God for anything that goes wrong or is wrong in the world. I’m guilty of doing that myself but this morning I realized that He is not to blame for what’s going wrong but is to be praised for what is going right and know that He is with us when things aren’t going so well. And sometimes He even allows these things to happen to make us stronger. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”….”For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Lots of times we feel guilty when we become angry because “Christians” shouldn’t feel that way. Well we do feel that way sometimes and that’s okay. Jesus became angry on several occasions;  In Matthew 21:12-13, He became angry at those who were exchanging money at the Temple. In Mark 3:5 “He looked around at them with anger”. Jesus was angry at times, yet did not sin, Hebrews 4:15. And likewise, believers in Christ are taught, “Be angry and do not sin” Ephesians 4:26. While anger is often viewed as a completely negative emotion, there are times a person can be angry for appropriate reasons. In Jesus case, His anger was the result of ungodly attitudes and actions by those around Him.

So today I feel my anger is totally justified for good. I guess you could say I’m angry at “the System”, medical that is. You see, Lauren was scheduled for hip surgery on March 12th; much to our dismay it was cancelled, no explanation, no rescheduled appointment, nothing. Now here is a four years old little girl going around with “two” dislocated hips, in pain; totally inhumane in my opinion. After several calm and polite phone calls to inquire about a rescheduled surgery date, we were given nothing. So on April 30th (now a month and an half as gone by) I decided I’ve had enough and we have to get a date to get this surgery done.

I introduced myself to the secretary on the phone, and stated my case and said if I hadn’t heard back from her doctor by the evening, I would take my story to the NTV News. Now up to this point she could not tell me when or if Lauren was going to get this surgery done. Yet here was Lauren still going around with two dislocated hips, had to take her out of swimming because it hurt too much, couldn’t do physio therapy anymore, couldn’t sit crisscross and in pain.

Maybe ten minutes later my phone rang, her doctor was on the other end with an appointment for May 16th. Now if I didn’t get angry, would we have gotten that appointment? I think not! Ten minutes before and the appointment secretary didn’t have one. i’m sure they won’t be rolling out the red carpet for me at the Janeway, anytime soon. But I’m not trying to win any popularity contest with them, I’m trying to get the best healthcare for our child who deserves nothing less but the best. And right now I feel she’s not getting that and I will not give up without a fight. Although this may exhaust me of every ounce of strength that I have, I will not give up! You Go Lauren!

So Lauren, when the Janeway may have given up; Mommy and Daddy haven’t and will never. And remember the Great Physician has the last word! Matthew 19:14 “But Jesus said, suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of Heaven.”

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Lauren’s Blog

Hi, my name is Lauren Kennedy Tucker and I have spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy. I am five years old, ‘I’m not a baby anymore; I’m a little girl now.’ I really want to walk and ‘do it myself’ but when I was born the part of my brain that tells my muscles what to do was damaged. So when I want my legs to move, they don’t listen. And because of that my whole life is one challenge after another. Daddy is going to share with you some of those challenges and help you to make a little sense of why that makes my life a little more difficult. Because for me every aspect of my life is affected and I have to endure more pain, hurt, mobility issues, accessibility problems, inclusion, therapy, etc. then the average child will endure in a lifetime.

Don’t get me wrong, I still live a happy, loving and fulfilled life, in spite of my challenges. This is ‘my’ normal, it’s just that everyone else as to be enlightened, educated and introduced to my way of life. It’s not that I am different, it’s just that I sometimes have to do things a little differently than others. Maybe you have to wear glasses to see, I use a wheelchair to move. Because you wear glasses doesn’t mean you are different and should be excluded; then neither should I because I am in a wheelchair (for now).

My Daddy is a great advocate for person’s with a disability, mobility issues, vision issues and anything that would make our world a better place to live. He certainly believes in equality for everyone, no matter what. So I’m really lucky to have him on my side. Being an advocate certainly won’t win him any popularity contest but if it’s going to improve my quality of life then Daddy doesn’t mind because he always says, ‘It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease’. Both Mommy and Daddy are my greatest fans, I am so lucky to have them in my corner. And of course ‘Bruddy’ (Logan); I just love him to pieces!

Below is a list of some of the events, therapy, and important people people that are involved in my life:

Cerebral Palsy Clinics at The Janeway every 6 months.                                                     Physio Therapy                                                                                                                                       Occupational Therapy                                                                                                                        Speech Language Pathology                                                                                                          CNIB Kim Hart, Vision Impairment                                                                                                Psychology                                                                                                                                                Inclusion Consulting                                                                                                                              Orthopedic Surgeon DR. Deane                                                                                                      Neurologist Dr. Buckley                                                                                                                       Developmental Pediatrician Dr. Doyle                                                                                         Pediatrician Dr. Aktar                                                                                                                           Ophthalmologist Dr. Bramwell

Wow. that makes me feel like I’m a very special person and well taken care of! Daddy , you forgot to mention that I frequently visit the Children’s Shriners Hospital in Montreal for assessments. I’ve been to Montreal four times already to be assessed for a Rhizothomy surgery which could release some of the spasticity in my muscles which would in turn help me to have a better chance of having some form of mobility. But up to this point I have not been a good candidate; but Mommy and Daddy are not giving up. We believe that eventually I will get this badly needed surgery. Dr. Farmer is going to keep his promise of doing his best to help me walk. But for now I have obstacles to contend with before I will even be considered for the rhizothomy surgery.

Because my disorder rendered me very spastic, in order to relieve some of the spasticity I  first began having botox injections through my groin. Botox is known to paralyze part of the muscle which in turn releases some of the spasticity. This is only a band aid remedy and would only last for short periods of time, only a few months at most. I had four procedures done while put to sleep but then the effects of the botox didn’t work anymore and the procedure was discontinued.

Right now, I have two dislocated hips and still waiting on surgery. If I were an adult with two dislocated hips; would I still be waiting on surgery? Daddy doesn’t understand the long wait, I was suppose to have the surgery done over a month ago but it got postponed and as of today we have no rescheduled appointment. I will have reconstructive osteotomy pelvic and hip surgeries done but at separate times. It would be too dangerous to do two of my hips at the same time. They will do one and then I will be in a hip spica cast (body cast). Then depending on how I am recovering; two or three weeks following I will have the second pelvic and hip surgery done and placed in a body cast for another 6-7 weeks, depending on the healing process. This is going to be very stressful and painful on us all but Mommy and Daddy are praying that God will be with us.

I am also diagnosed with epilepsy, my seizures seem to be under control somewhat since I’ve been on a new drug. Mommy and Daddy watch me day and night to make sure I’m not having a seizure. They are scared that having another seizure would do more damage to my brain; that would not be good.

There seems to be no end because in June I am scheduled to have strabismic surgery on one of my eyes. Dr. Bramwell is hoping that by correcting one eye will help correct the other. This is a visual defect in which one eye cannot focus with the other on an objective because of imbalance of the eye muscles. We are hoping this will help with my vision and the turn in my eyes. It seems nothing is for certain but we try to keep positive when things are so uncertain.

Once my hip surgeries are successful and healed, then there’s the surgery that Mommy and Daddy are so concerned about. It’s not guaranteed to work but it’s the only option we have right now of releasing some of the spasticity in my muscles especially around my hips because there still is a chance that if the muscles get too tight they can pull the hips out again and we have already been down that road and don’t want to go there again (I will have had 3 hip surgeries ). The next surgery would be to insert an intrathecal baclofen pump underneath the skin. Baclofen is a muscle relaxant medicine used to decrease spasticity. It will deliver the drug right to the spinal cord and release some of the spasticity.

It looks like a long road ahead but we will take it (try to) one day at a time. I know Mommy and Daddy are so exhausted and stressed; with the 24/7 care that I require, the constant trips to the Janeway, the worry about my surgeries, the expense of needed equipment (I am due for a new wheelchair and that’s like buying a used car) and lack of support, no available funding; all combine to make life a little overwhelmingand draining; both mentally. physically and financially. But God will make a way!

 

 

 

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The Day After

My eyes opened and I knew I had to face this day. How am I going to do this? Exhaustion consumed my body before my feet touched the floor. But I knew I had to begin somehow. I felt empty, lonely;  I have to write, there is healing for me through writing. Expressing my thoughts on paper, clears my head, helps the hurt flow through to my pen. This hurt is going to take time, I know it’s not going away in an instant. For how do you say good bye to your best friend and expect not to hurt even when you know it’s not really good bye but see ya later buddy!

It’s that period in between that you wonder how you’re going to cope. I have to believe there is life after death, that there is more to life then this. If not, what’s the point? I have to have faith and trust in something or someone bigger. Which will lead me once again on a path to find answers. Questions that I really already know the answers to. But today I need confirmation and thus my journey down life’s path begins once again.

If my path leads me to the ‘Big Bang Theory’ then it’s there I will certainly find no hope. We live, we die, the END! I can’t accept that, I cannot live my life with no hope. It would be like I were nonexistent. There would be no purpose, a life lost in the wind. I really don’t like this ‘path’; it’s cold and hopeless. I think I’ll turn around and take a path that leads to hope.

This path is much brighter, I see light, bright beams of hope. I think I’ll take this ‘path’ which leads to a Creator; a God that is all knowing, all powerful and everywhere present. A God that loves us and gives us so much hope and purpose and love; for ‘God is Love'(1 John 4:8). For He promises us in 1Thessalonians 4:13,14 “But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep(died, passed away), that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with Him”. 4:16 “For the Lord himself shall descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first” 4:17 “Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air; and so shall we ever be with the Lord”. Wow, what amazing promises of God. There is no greater hope then this, death is not the end but the beginning! Cancer did not win and will not win, if we die in Christ we will never lose our battle with cancer, it’s then we are cancer free, we have won! To quote my father on his deathbed, “Either way I will win! I will be healed and go home or die and go to my heavenly home”. Where we read in 2 Timothy 4:8, “Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me on that day; and not me only, but unto all them also that love His appearing”. Amazing!

Do you love His appearing? Do you believe in the return of Jesus? Do you believe in Him? Do you believe in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life”. That is the gospel in a nutshell, its that simple! Billy Graham once said, ‘that once you heard the gospel message once; your life would be forever changed; whether you accept it or not, you will still be changed’. Because if you do not accept Him, you now have the knowledge of the gospel and will be forever etched into your mind. I’m loving this ‘path’ I chose.

The song says, “But until then, my heart will go on singing, until then with joy I’ll carry on, until the day my eyes behold that City, until the day God calls me Home”.

But for now, God didn’t leave us helpless, alone or rejected. He promised to walk this path with us, to never leave us or forsake us. He promised us strength for every step of the way; ‘Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint’. So when life’s losses, troubles, illnesses and tribulations weigh us down to the point of exhaustion, we have the promise that we wait on Him, He will renew our strength again! I am overwhelmed by the mercies and promises of God. Now this is Hope!

“All is well with my soul, He is God in control, I know not all His plans, but I know I’m in His hands.” I want to end this blog with a verse from 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain; faith, hope, and love: but the greatest of these is love.”

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Until We Meet Again….

                                                              

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I moved to Bay Roberts over three years ago during a very dark time in my life. At that time I was very ill myself with a life altering diagnosis, my life would be changed forever. I knew very few people in the area and felt so all alone. I prayed that God would send me a friend; someone I could confide in, socialize with and just hang out. Little did I know there was a lady praying the same prayer for her husband; who had terminal cancer. Both our prayers were answered, Curtis and I did not meet by coincidence or chance, it was divine intervention; God had a plan for each of us. We leaned on each other through good days and bad days. He always told me, ‘I got your back’. And I believe he always did. I think sometimes I was his thorn in the flesh lol.

I am not saying good bye to my best friend but just saying, ‘see ya later buddy’! And this is one thing I am sure of; we will meet again. He is just away, not gone forever. Thessalonians 4:17 “Then we which are alive and remain shall  be caught up together with them (those who passed on before us) in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air; and so shall we ever be with the Lord”. What an amazing promise of hope!

It was quite evident the love that Curtis had for his family and friends. And that love will never die but will be carried through the generations because of the great legacy he left us all. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, ” Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain, faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Curtis believed these words from the depths of his heart. He never gave up on love, he never lost his faith in God, he was always hopeful despite many hopeless obstacles, and he kept going through every circumstance. He fought the good fight and won! 2 Timothy 4:7,8 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day; and not to me only, but unto all them also that love His appearing.” O the amazing promises of God!

If there were words that could some up Curtis, they would have to be “a gentle spirit.” Need I say more, a man of great integrity. So, Curtis; thanks for being my best friend, you sailed with me through many storms and for that I will never forget you. Until we meet again…..

Your best friend,                                                                                                                                      Harris

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“Our Story”

This blog  is taken from a speech I presented at Church just recently. I told my story there before entitled, A Broken Mind, which can still be found on our website at www.harrislisa72.com. But this blog isn’t just about me, it’s about my family; Lisa, Logan and Lauren. A family that is struggling and at times broken but I want to share with you the power of the human spirit to overcome any adversity with the help of God and a determination to never quit, never give up on hope. I have to make clear that this is not a onetime fix but a daily, conscious effort that requires a strength that is far beyond all human comprehension.

John 16:33                                                                                                                                                   I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. IN THIS WORLD YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Our lives as been anything but trouble free, we have had more then our share of trials and tribulations. The storms of our lives have been many, there have been times when our ship was barely above water, we were sinking but I believe we were not in that ship alone. And that is why we are still riding out the storm. The storms may have beaten us down, exhausted us and at times left us for dead. But its these experiences and life altering traumas that have forced us to put our total dependence on God. For what we have experienced, are experiencing and what we are going to experience, we have to trust in the God of the impossible, the God that cannot fail, the God who has a plan for our lives; a plan we may not see at the moment.

I speak as a realist, not a pessimist. One thing I want to be is totally honest, totally real. I cannot say to you that we don’t question, doubt and have moments when we feel like we are somewhere wandering in the wilderness. But  we realize if we are going to survive this storm of life, we will have to put our trust and hope in the resurrected Christ. The Christ who died and rose again and today is seated at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us, what an amazing promise! That is what gives me hope, that is what gives us the strength to go on.

Let me just elaborate for a few moments on our not so ‘normal life’; by society’s standards. We don’t portray the perfect ‘facebook’, ‘cookie cutter life’. Let me take you back to my father’s death, my first real traumatic experience. He was a man of God, a man of faith and wisdom. Life certainly wasn’t always easy but he trusted God that tomorrow was going to be better, he never lost faith. When all nine children and Mom were gathered around his bed, he said before his passing that what truly mattered was right here in this room; his family and God; nothing else mattered when it came to material things. And right now I believe Dad is just ‘Gone Home’. He taught me what was important in life and what truly mattered in the end.

After  some months after his passing, Lisa and I had time to think and ponder over our own lives. After been married for eleven years with no children we thought about what Dad taught us on his deathbed and maybe we should have children too; just not nine! So the fun began, before long we were pregnant, although the doctors told Lisa she wasn’t. But Lisa knew she was; a Mother’s intuition. We decided to take a little vacation to the Dominican Republic. This trip would turn out to be one of the most traumatic experiences of our life. To make a long story short; while on the plane returning home, Lisa felt sick and decided to go back to the washroom on the plane. She never returned to her seat again, it ended with Lisa unconscious on the floor of the plane. Barely a pulse and turning blue; Lisa was dying. Once the plane landed, Lisa was rushed by ambulance to the nearest hospital, where we learned Lisa was hemorrhaging from an ectopic pregnancy and was taken for emergency surgery, where we lost our baby, Lisa lost  80% of her blood volume and was minutes from dying. This was the beginning of the storms of ‘our’ lives.

It was a long and traumatic journey back to real life. For months we grieved the loss of our baby in silence. We still so desperately wanted to have a baby but were told that would be impossible. But we never gave up, to fast forward; we went to Calgary for IVF; invetro fertilization and to defy all odds and with God’s intervention we were pregnant and seven months later we had a handsome baby boy who we named Logan. He was the joy of our lives.

But then when Logan was around a year old, I began to have severe symptoms of depression and anxiety. And that was where my story began and I was given a life altering diagnosis, that left me both mentally and physically disabled. And since that time until now I have struggled and still struggling to regain my life back. Then in the midst of all this trauma, we were miraculously blessed with a baby girl. She was certainly a light in the darkness; sunshine in the midst of all the rain. But then on her first birthday Lauren was diagnosed with spastic guadriplegia cerebral palsy- a life altering diagnosis for all of us. Our world fell apart. Trying to describe CP and what that involves is much like trying to describe my own diagnosis; both very complex and complicated. And to try and explain what either is, is impossible unless you experience it for yourself.

We were forced to make major life changes and had to move to Bay Roberts. And the storms have never ended, there’s been and will always be some unforseen battle and that is the reality. But in order to survive such traumatic and life changing experiences we have had to place our trust in God and believe that He is in the storm with us, He is in our ship and we will not sink. The minute we take our eyes off Him, it’s then we’ll sink. There are places I’ve seen His hand at work; in spite of all the trauma, trials and tribulations, there are so many miracles that present itself in our lives: 1. Our marriage as survived, struggling but surviving. Statistics show that majority of marriages don’t survive when faced with the ordeals that we have encountered. 2. The miracle that Lauren was conceived in the first place, when we were told it would be impossible for us to get pregnant on our own. 3. That Logan was fertilized in a petri dish and was viable to be implanted within Lisa’s womb and was successful; is not only amazing but a miracle. 4. That I can stand behind this pulpit, when I was in the acute stage of my illness I could barely stand at all. 5. That Lisa was capable of carrying a baby after the trauma she had experienced when we lost our first baby. So, I just want to say, ‘thank you Lord, for your blessings on us’.

Many times when discouragement knocks on our heart’s door and we find it difficult to see the light of day; we have to remind ourselves of God’s faithfulness. I don’t portray to be ‘Christian of the Year’ but I do say, ‘I’m a sinner saved by grace, so unworthy of the blood’. But yet He died for unworthy me, thank you just isn’t enough, His mercy rewrote my life. For without Calvary I would not be where I am today. So all the Glory belongs to Him. Thank you, thank you, thank you!