For those of you who live a ‘normal’ life (and I say that a little sarcastically); I envy you! I would love just to feel ‘normal’ again. Just to be able to live life without an overwhelming since of despair. I remember what ‘normal’ felt like; I would jump out of bed (no thought, just jump), coffee tasted different, the sun was brighter, the clouds were gone, simple tasks I could do and not even have to think about it. But when you have a mental illness, nothing seems ‘normal’ anymore. Every tasks fills you with panic and fear; you have no strength left to do the things you once so much enjoyed, now they’ve become a burden. Things that once brought you enjoyment bring emptiness. I fight everyday to bring back that ‘normal’. Where did it go? By ‘normal’ I don’t mean perfect, just free to live life with some enjoyment.
This horrifying illness as stolen my ‘normal’, my life, my will to go on at times.But yet there’s nothing I want more then just live. I have so much to live for but my depression consumes my life and leaves me with very little strength left to fight. And when you are exhausted and tired of living this existence; your patience is gone, your will to keep fighting is gone, your will to live is gone, your ability to be ‘normal’ is gone.
But how do I get it back? How do I go on? Especially when you have fought for so long to get your ‘normal’ back. I have to believe in myself that tomorrow is going to be better, never give up hope. Hope is the greatest antidepressant, without it I would not survive. Also my faith in God, even when God feels so far away, I know He is walking beside me and I’m sure some days He’s carrying me. Then there are days when I feel like Jesus did when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, when He said.’My God why have you forsaken me’. There are times when I feel all alone. In an overpopulated world, in an overcrowded room; I still feel alone.
The part of this illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) that isolates me the most is that, for the most part, majority of people do not understand this illness. And I’m not blaming them, it’s just the way it is. I hope my writings have opened their eyes, minds, and hearts. May they realize this is not an illness of choice; but an illness of pain and suffering. But because they can’t see the pain and suffering doesn’t mean it’s not there. Support for many sufferers is definitely a big issue. Many are ashamed and afraid to ask for help from family and friends; afraid that they will be judged, stigmatized and misunderstood. And sadly to say, many people still don’t ‘get it’. Asking for help from the medical field is often not what we expected (I’ll save that for another blog).
So, yes I long to find my ‘normal’ again, I really miss it. But for now I’ll try to keep my head above water. When I say, ‘normal’, I use that word very loosely because there is no such thing as normal. It’s like using the word ‘perfect’, nothing is ‘perfect’. Let’s just say a somewhat healthy, functioning life would be nice. And to have a support system that understands, sometimes that means just allowing you to not be okay but accepts that in you, not having all the answers but a shoulder to lean on. Because sometimes what we need the most are not always words, but someone to just listen.
