Come Morning

Morning comes. But where’s the light, darkness surrounds my being. I search in the darkness but I can’t find the light. I stumble and fall but I have to get up again, my life depends on it. But God I can’t do this again today, the darkness is so overwhelming, the weight is so heavy; I can’t carry it anymore. I cry out to you to just take it away or just let me die; but I want to live, really live.

I just want to hide and crawl inside myself and never come out. How could I be feeling this way today? Is my life just too overwhelming, too complicated, or is my illness consuming every ounce of strength out of this body of mine? Am I just too exhausted, too tired of fighting, too tired of life? But something is about to break, and I hope it’s not me. Maybe there’s going to be a break in the darkness, a crack, a flicker of light, hope, peace, calm is flowing through the fog.

There’s nothing I want more then to be real, not have to hide, just be me; no strings attached. Yes I have a mental illness: not a weakness, not a character flaw, not a spiritual defect; but an illness. And yes I still struggle today, not by choice but it is what it is. If I had a physical illness I would not feel the pressure from others to heal myself but would be accepted, understood and looked upon with concern. But because it’s a mental illness , the stigma, the shame, the wanting to isolate and not talk about it or share it with others; still overwhelms my thoughts, making me feel misunderstood, different then others and just not belonging.

This morning I did not want to talk to anyone or share how I was really feeling. My mind was filled with thoughts of ‘people are tired of hearing’, ‘if you tell, others will judge you and say you’re weak’. But you know what? I really don’t care what others think anymore. If they don’t understand maybe they’re the one with the character flaw; not me. If they walked in my shoes this morning; how would they react? Would they run and hide? Be too ashamed of the way they were really feeling? So I won’t run and hide anymore. If I’m having a rough day, I will share it with someone who cares, even when my mind says not too. Because if I’m going to survive this illness, speaking out is one of the best forms of healing I could find.

I’m always searching for analogies of how to explain or express what depression is for those who are suffering and don’t know what’s going on, because it can be very scary. So understanding what depression is helps to take away some of it’s power, because this morning my serotonin levels must be on empty. Serotonin is the chemical found in your brain that is referred to as the ‘feel good hormone’. And if your body is not producing enough serotonin then you will not feel so good, finding happiness, doesn’t come natural, it’s hard work and exhausting. It’s that simple! The analogy I found the other day, and it makes total sense to me is this; “There’s no difference between my brain not being able to make correct levels of serotonin and my pancreas not being able to make the right amounts of insulin”. So if your serotonin levels are low, which we know in the morning they are at their lowest , then you won’t be feeling so well. But as your day progresses you should feel a little better.

Then night falls and I long for my escape from reality. The comfort of my bed seems to bring that reprieve that I’ve been longing for all day. Maybe sleep will bring peace and calm to my troubled mind. There has to be light at the end of that tunnel; I’ve seen it before and I will see it again.The truth is I’m not feeling strong today, I’m not feeling that I have it all together today; but tomorrow brings the hope that things will feel better in the morning. So as I sit here in my office at the end of a rough day, I pray for the peace of God to cover me and my family; that’s my only hope!