I have written numerous blogs before, but none as important, open and personal has what this one is. I will bear my soul because I believe that’s what you need to hear and see. We are not defined by our education, ethnicity, culture, our career, or our family. What defines us, is our soul; “the spiritual part of a human being”. We all have one,whether we believe we do or not doesn’t matter. We have a soul, deep down within us.
Our soul is that space within us that is always searching, always longing. Forever empty if not filled by the one who created us in the first place. Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb”. My illness lead me to this inmost search. Not a search for earthly meaning but a much deeper search and longing for God. That search didn’t find me instantaneously healed but led me to a deeper, inmost filling of God. I had to separate and come to realize that my illness had nothing to do with my soul. I was not fighting a spiritual battle, but because I was so sick and finding no hope of ever recovering. That no human being or earthly matter could make me well; then I had to turn my search inward rather then without.
It’s when we turn inward that we find the true meaning of life and take our focus off things that really don’t matter. I now realize that there is more to life then my illness, I can live inspite of it. My life doesn’t depend on what I have, what I do, where I go or what I feel. My life depends on what I have within; my love, my compassion, my humbleness and selflessness. If I had a Phd education, it would not make me any happier or change my illness. If I had a multi million dollar bank account; would not change my illness and make me well. If I had all the possessions that money could buy, it would still not bring me happiness or health.
So now I realize I have to build my life on something more solid, something more secure. I had to return to the one who created me, who promised in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,”declares the Lord,”plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. I don’t know what those plans are and right now I am scared to death of the future but I know and trust that He knows what He’s doing.
Our lives right now are filled with so much uncertainty and turmoil. My own illness fills our lives with so much insecurity and fear, that for the most of us, we would have given up a long time ago. The stress and conflict that mental illness brings into our marriage and family life can easily tear us apart. But we are struggling to stay together. Then there’s the awesome care, uncertainty, overwhelming responsibility of Lauren with her cerebral palsy. So much that people, unless they have a child with a disability, can never imagine the sacrifices one had to make. Lauren requires 24/7 care and this we, for the most part, provide ourselves. We do sacrifice each other because one of us as to sleep with Lauren every night for various reasons pertaining to her safety, comfort and care. So it is very difficult/impossible for us to spend time together as a couple. I am not complaining but stating the reality of what is. Then we try to provide for Logan a “normal life” and to protect him as much as possible from the circumstances around him, which are far from normal. And lastly, Lisa as had to leave work because of the heavy load that she carries everyday. It has affected her health in a detrimental way; that she can no longer work.
I don’t tell this for no other reason then to help someone else, that are going through similar circumstances in their lives. It is amazing what we can face in life and still survive. But no man, humanly possible could do this alone or find the answers in this world but I know a Man who can! And that’s how we have survived thus far. When we felt there was no one that could help us, we needed someone more than a human hand. That’s when we were forced to look elsewhere, we tried everything else and life was out of hand. We turned to the Man who can;
“I can’t take a heart that’s broken
Make it over again
But I know a Man who can
Some call Him Savior,
the Redeemer of all men
I call Him Jesus
For He’s my dearest friend.
If you feel no one can help you
And your life is out of hand
Well, I know a man who can”.
So now every morning I go to my heavenly “Father” and rely on His strength to get me through the day. For He promised me in Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint”
That’s where my strength comes from! I don’t apologize for being too open and I am so privileged to be able to introduce you to the man who can!
Afterthought:
Many may say, how can you say that God is with you, when He hasn’t healed you and you still struggle every day? It doesn’t matter, I’m better off with God in this storm, then I am without Him and being in this storm alone. He’s still in my ship. God is still God no matter what we are going through, He’s in control! All I have to do is trust!