My Mental Health Update

Here I am years later from my worse relapse of my life and still struggling. I could say what people want me to say; “I’m doing great”, but that would not be the truth. I am all about being real. The truth is, I have come so far from where I was but not where I would like to be. My broken mind is still mending/healing. Then what encouragement would that be for someone experiencing major depression and anxiety disorder; I never give up! Sure, there are still days when I want to, but the battle rages on.

This may be my lot in life, I don’t know, I hope not. But if it is, I pray God would give me the grace to endure. But right now sunny days look a little brighter. I now have more urges to do things that last year I had no interest in. For example, going out in the garden gives me a form of pleasure. Going to the grocery store is not such a big deal anymore. And I’m doing much better socially, it still increases my anxiety but not as intense.

I still see my psychiatrist regularly. Right now I am doing group therapy for eight weeks. My medications have not changed and have been extended for another year. Also my psychiatrist does a form of therapy called Mindfulness; in a nutshell- being in the moment. I see my psychologist every 2-4 weeks; for mainly talk therapy. All of which help me to gradually restore me to some sense of mental health. And also gives me a sense of support whereby I feel I am not fighting this battle alone. So how ever long that is; I don’t know and I don’t know if anybody knows. My psychiatrist in St.John’s told me there was no cure for this disorder but I could eventually live a functioning life again. So if I take his advice this is something I will have to live with. If that’s the case, I will always have a struggle and will have to learn to adjust and accept my “thorn in the flesh”.

My therapist introduced me to a book that paralleled with my life experience with mental illness. “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a psychiatrist who was captured and sent to the Nazi death camps; one of which was Auschwitz. During which time he encountered suffering, harshness, starvation, cruelty and inhumane conditions that would break the spirit of any man. But Dr.Frankl said,”..life is meaningful and that we must learn to see life as meaningful despite our circumstances”.

So inspite of my suffering, mindful torment, life changes and loss; life still has meaning and purpose. This as been very hard for me to accept and work through. But as Dr.Frankl stated,”meaning is possible in spite of our suffering”.

So when I have days, like today, that are not so pleasant; I have to remind myself that my life still had meaning and purpose inspite of my suffering. I wish it were as easy as saying,”today is going to be a good day”. But my broken mind doesn’t work that way. It’s like someone with anorexia and saying to them; “all you have to do is eat. That’s not the way a broken mind works. I pray to God for all of us who suffer with any mental illness, that it were that easy. Dr.Frankl was asked what the meaning of his life was and one of his students answered for him,”The meaning of your life is to help others find the meaning of theirs”. May I be the same instrument to others, to find their way.