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Surviving A Mental Illness

Living with a mental illness or should I say, “surviving with a mental illness”. Most days lately it’s been about surviving, getting through one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time and others just one minute at a time.

The last few months have been a struggle, it’s been a game of trial and error with my medication. Finding that medication where the benefits out way the side effects. And I finally think we’ve found one that just may be working. Treating my mental illness over the years have been challenging to say the least. Sometimes it’s so easy to lose hope but believing that things will get better is what keeps me moving forward. It’s tough, it’s hard work but it’s what I have to do if I want to beat this hell on earth disease.

My mental illness over the past few months has dictated my every move or lack of movement. My world has been confined to our house, to move outside that, is forced. Being around large, confined groups of people is nothing but anxiety provoking and panic driven. So for now, I have to choose where I go with that in mind. The world right now is simply overwhelming. So I have to live in a world that I create, a world that’s all about survival. And only I know what my limits are, only I know what I can and cannot do. Right now that means, right down to, where I can drive, to what public places I can visit.

When my mental health is in a decline, and right now it’s in a decline, I have to fight to do anything. Even getting out of bed is a big deal, getting a shower is a challenge. The little things that should not even be given a second thought, is difficult. But I’ve learned to take baby steps; one step at a time. Eventually, please God, I will reach a somewhat functioning level once again. But until then I will do what I have to do or not do, in order to survive.

I want to encourage those who are suffering and struggling today to keep moving forward, one step at a time! Never lose hope, tomorrow will be better. Breathe!

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The Lion Within

I haven’t written much lately about my mental health because I feel if I do, it makes it real; I have to relive each painful moment. The last few weeks and months I have fought a war from within. Trying to convince myself that this was going to go away and if I wished long enough it would disappear. And right now I may not feel okay but I have to believe that it’s going to be alright.

I compare my mental illness to a sleeping beast, sometimes that beast is quiet and other times it’s a roaring lion. And right now that lion is unleashed and I am fighting for my life. The overwhelming symptoms make it difficult to cope with life, even the little things. But I can’t give up, give in, I have to fight.

My illness has total control over my life right now and losing that control is so scary. How do I put into words something that is so painful, so frightening? There are no words really. Nothing can ever explain the way it feels. The feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that it brings just put you in a state of panic; and this panic is disabling. Nothing makes sense and trying to navigate through it is near impossible.

I’ve been weeks just trying to write this blog; it’s even difficult to put two sentences together. Your thought process is anything but focused. But I feel I need to write, maybe not as much for myself but to help others to see the reality of this dreadful disease. And a reminder that we know so little of what the person sitting/standing next to us is struggling with. Many times these people are the ones you would least expect; so don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Pain can be hidden deep inside where the light doesn’t always shine. I want to encourage others who are struggling; to just hang on, tomorrow will be better.

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The Seasons

The colours of Fall have splashed it’s vibrant hue across the picturesque landscape. A painting that could only be captured by the Master of Artists; the Creator of Heaven and Earth. The beauty could take away the breath of any beholder. I know it was always one of my favourite and inspiring seasons of the year. But for someone who suffers from seasonal affective disorder or other mental health disorders, the changes of the seasons could certainly be a trigger to exacerbate the already troubling illness. The dormancy of the trees and plant life could be a reminder of the dying earth. Then there’s the lack of daylight and increased darkness that could cloud the mood of any sufferer of SADs (seasonal affective disorder).

I was never officially diagnosed with SADs but I’m sure I can surely self diagnose. From my own personal experience, I believe it’s next to impossible when you suffer from Major Depression to not be affected by the seasons. Any change, no matter what that change may be, can greatly affect your depression. I think a large reason for this is that with change comes the inability to control the change and thus you feel out of control and there is no worse feeling then losing that control. I believe it’s human nature to want to be in control of your life at all times.

Over the last few weeks and months I have struggled with my mental health. Having said that, when have I not struggled with my mental well being? Albeit sometimes more then others. Thankfully over the past few months i have certainly been in a better place than I have been for years. The reality of my diagnosis is that there is no cure. So I live with this disease; the best that I can. And with medication my symptoms are much more controlled and therefore I can live a somewhat ‘normal life’. And for that I am grateful.

Yes I have days when I wish things were better but then I am reminded that things could be so much worse. So I will take all the good days I can and be thankful for what I have and not dwell on what this illness has taken from me. And believe me, it has taken so much. But I will not give up, I will not give in, I will keep going, no matter what! Thankful and grateful for ‘every’ day!

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Wear Red

It’s National AccessAbility Week (NAAW) 2024, May 26-June 1 and is a nationwide week of recognition that celebrates the many social, economic and cultural achievements of persons with disabilities. The theme for this year is: “Forward Together: Accessibility and Inclusion for All”. Then there’s the Red Shirt Day, this is an Easter Seals initiative and was first celebrated in 2019. It takes place on the Wednesday of NAAW each year. Red Shirt Day for accessibility and inclusion is a day when people across Canada come together and wear red to create a visible display of solidarity to show their support for disabled people and their families, celebrate the achievements of disabled Canadians and to pledge their commitment to help create a fully accessible and inclusive society.

This is all wonderful and we so appreciate this nationwide week of recognition. But we are not living in a perfect world and sometimes, more then not, this world can be cruel, discriminating, judgmental and uncaring. Accessibility and inclusion are for the most part not at the forefront of our society. We can say this because Lauren as been the recipient of such injustices on many occasions. The minute Lauren steps foot outside our door, or should I say, ‘the wheels of her wheelchair’; then the reality of just how inaccessible and non-inclusive our society and system really are. And this is why we decide on this particular Wednesday, to NOT wear red, in recognition of this injustice to disabled persons. The theme for this year; “Forward Together: Accessibility and Inclusion for All”, sounds great if it were only true.

In this blog I will certainly give praise and applause where it is do but I will also give you some astounding and shocking illustrations of just some of the injustices that we have encountered during Lauren’s years of struggling with this disability. I was just about to disregard this whole blog and throw it in the garbage. I thought, ‘what’s the point?” I have advocated for years and it seems I get nowhere; only exhausted and frustrated. But this will be my last and final blog on this topic, I’m tired and rather then putting my energy into a fight that I know I will never win; I will put my energy into giving Lauren the best life that I can, in spite of everything else.

I will list the non-profits and organizations that we are so thankful for and have helped us to make Lauren’s life just a little bit easier. I cannot elaborate on these because it would take forever. But we are so thankful for: Easter Seals, CNIB, APSEA, Rainbow Riders, The Shriners Children’s Hospital and The Children’s Wish Foundation.

But, sad to say I could write a book on the lack of accessibility and inclusion within our own province and society of NL. I will elaborate on just a few, just to give you an idea of what we deal with on a daily basis.

One very important issue would be accessible public washrooms. You would be amazed at the number of washrooms that are ‘not’ accessible, to a point where, if Lauren needed to use the washroom, then we would have to take her home or take her to another establishment that provided an accessible washroom that she could use. It is appalling to me, in 2024 that we still are dealing with this issue; sometimes it’s easier to find an “Outhouse”.

Then there’s parking!! OMG!! Yes you may find the ‘limited’ blue handicap parking spaces that are so misused it is shameful. One example, if I am driving our van and Lauren is ‘not’ in the van; that doesn’t give me the right to park in the blue zones just because I have the sign in my van window. I will park in a regular parking space. I could go on and on with examples of parking incidents but one is sufficient to make my point.

A very important violation of Lauren’s rights to accessibility and inclusion and is very near to our hearts are community and school playgrounds. The closest that Lauren can access her school playground is, she can get to the gate/entrance. When outside play is supposed to be a big part of our children’s curriculum; then where is Lauren supposed to play? The Dept. of Education puts absolutely no thought into inclusion and accessibility when designing playgrounds for ALL children. To my knowledge there is not a school playground in this province that is totally accessible. Very sad!

Many organizations, clubs, associations, leagues or specific groups are not at all accommodating if you have a disability. One such club in particular, knowingly discriminated against Lauren because she was disabled and offered us $2500(which we did not accept) to keep quiet. I have the written proof of this transaction but we could not bring a lawsuit against them because we didn’t have the financial means to do so. We had no choice but to cut all ties, communication and correspondence because of the immense about of stress that the whole situation brought into our lives.

As any parent would, no matter the ability or disability of your child; you want only the best for them. But when you have a child that is not on the ‘normal scale” of what society defines as “normal”, then you are in for a not so pleasant journey. You will be confronted with many obstacles, hurdles, roadblocks and barriers that you would have never otherwise encountered.

We will wear red everyday for our precious Lauren, 365 days a year!

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MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

This is the written copy of my presentation I did at the CBS Salvation Army Church on Sunday, May 5, 2024.

My name is Harris Tucker and I have a mental illness! Yes I said it, I have a mental illness. It’s a topic that is seldom talked about. For many reasons; it is highly stigmatized, very much misunderstood, discriminatory, ignorance as in not knowing, shameful and isolating. So therefore people with mental illness, suffer in silence. But I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have and I will talk about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing.

 

My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at: www.harrislisa72.com, where I frequently blog my journey. And also my book; Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime of Mental Illness. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my diagnosis, my life and my experience with, “Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder”.

 

I would like to read to you, ‘A Note From The Author’, contained in my book backgrounder:

“Beyond the Door” is a book like none other you will ever read. It leads you through my lifetime with mental illness, and a relapse that rendered me nothing less then a walking corpse; a body without a mind. After several years of medical help, I finally fought my way back to a somewhat functioning level. I began to write and found this to be a great source of therapy. I began to blog.It was here you would find what was going on inside this broken mind. Each blog captured my thoughts right in the moment it was written; raw, true, transparent and painful. Nothing was hidden, nothing! If this book doesn’t give you a new perspective and break down some walls of stigma, then I have failed as an author. But I know this book will do even more. It will stir within you a desire to know more – more about this illness, more about this machine we call the mind!

My book is available tonight in the foyer or online at: Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Book Depository and Amazon Kindle.

 

Let me begin by saying, I am not a doctor,psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist; nor am I a professional in the field of psychiatry. What I am, is someone who has suffered from a mental illness all my life. My struggle with mental health began when I was just a child. I didn’t know then, but what I was struggling with was a mental illness. My lifetime with mental illness has provided me with a vast knowledge, and hands on life experience, that I would have never learned or gained otherwise; I had lived it and still do to this day. And so, I am someone who ‘gets it’; I understand, I’ve been there. I have survived this horrific disease and I am willing to share my journey with you. To help you better understand this illness, to educate, and by doing so, to tear down the walls of stigma that surround it.

 

The brain is said to be one of the most complex organs of the body and the disorders associated with it are equally as complex. And that is why mental illness is so misunderstood and so stigmatized. It certainly ‘is not’ a choice as some may think. The medical field and the scientific community have yet to come to a universal agreement on the nature and cause of depression. But the general consensus is that depression is a medical condition, an illness; not a personal failure, a weakness or a spiritual battle, as many may still think today.

 

Let me explain in a nutshell what I have come to understand about my illness. Our brain chemicals, or neurotransmitters, are not at the levels they should be to maintain good mental health. The neurotransmitters, that affect how we feel, are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. When our brain is producing too much, or not enough, of these chemicals then our mental well being is greatly affected and thus, we suffer depression and other mental disorders. A great comparison to help us understand this disorder is to compare it to diabetes. When a person suffers from diabetes, it often means that their pancreas is not producing enough insulin to regulate their blood sugar levels, and therefore, have to take insulin to regulate normal sugar levels. Likewise, someone suffering from depression may need to take medication, such as SSRIs, to increase serotonin levels in the brain. When we are educated to what a mental illness is, then it leaves no room for stigmatization or misunderstanding. It is what it is; an illness!

 

Before I share my personal journey with my own mental illness, let me share with you some very alarming statistics, according to Global Mental Health Statistics.

  1. 970 million people around the world struggle with some form of mental illness.
  2. 1 in 4 people will be affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives. So please do not think you will never be affected, or someone you love. Its much like saying, you will never get cancer. No one is exempt! And because you are a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t suffer from depression and other mental disorders.
  3. Approximately 8 million deaths each year are attributed to mental disorders.
  4. More than 700,000 people die due to suicide every year worldwide.

 

Now let’s bring that home to Canada.

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association:

  1. Mental illness indirectly affects ALL Canadians at some time; either through their own experience, or that of a family member, friend or colleague.
  2. 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental health problem or illness.
  3. Every year, approximately 4500 people in Canada die by suicide, which is equivalent to 12 people dying by suicide every day.
  4. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults between 15-34 years of age.

 

In our own province of NL suicide numbers are up by 25% in 2021, according to numbers from the province’s Chief Medical Exhaminer. NL suicide rates have tripled since the 1980’s, among the highest in Canada.

Sad to say, but the suicide rate is increasing every day and will continue to increase. One alarming fact about mental illness is that many turn to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain; this only adds to the problem; it does not solve it. And this, in turn, only exacerbates the drug and alcohol crisis that we are facing today.

 

And I Begin….

MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

My whole life has been plagued with a mental illness.I cannot remember, in my adult life, not being prescribed an antidepressant medication. You see, I experienced my first mental breakdown when I was just sixteen years of age. At that time there was no help, medication was not approved for anyone under the age of 18. So, I was sent home by my doctor to battle this monster, and survive was all I could do. I wasn’t living, I was existing, I was surviving. This continued until I was eighteen and then I was prescribed antidepressants which helped to bring me back to a functioning level. Medication does work; it may not be a cure, but it surely helped me to navigate through life. The years that lay ahead were not easy years, but I did live a high functioning life and operated my own business for 28 years. I basically lived a fairly normal life, while struggling with depression and anxiety but both were managed by medication, and kept me fairly well.

 

I went on to marry the love of my life, Lisa. And then 13 years later, we were blessed with our little boy, Logan. However, this didn’t mean my illness was gone. In 2012, when Logan was one year old, I experienced a mental breakdown like I had never experienced before. I was so mentally ill, my depression and anxiety was so severe, that I physically shut down. And this is what I want to emphasize; that depression is not just about being sad, anxiety is not just about being anxious.Mental illness affects every area of your life – both mentally and physically. I feel sometimes we have the tendency to minimize the extreme seriousness of this illness. When in fact this illness is the only illness known to man that one of it’s symptoms has the ability to take away your will to live. No other illness as that power! So if you remember nothing else I said tonight, please remember that!

 

At the acute stage of my illness I became totally non-functioning. I had a disability; not a physical one where I was confined to a wheelchair, but a mental one, locked inside my head.I don’t remember much about those days. I had lost a lot of my memory, to a point where I was monitored for dementia. Tasks that once came so easily were now impossible to do. I couldn’t use a cell phone; a computer was a foreign object, something that I feared. I would stand at the kitchen sink and not know how to wash the dishes. In fact, it got so bad, at one point, that I didn’t know how to zipper my coat. Lisa described me as a ‘walking corpse’; a mind in constant torment. THIS IS MENTAL ILLNESS!!

 

Many times, I felt there was no hope, no help and no way back; just a black hole. The medical profession had tried everything possible, from: cocktails of medication to electro convulsive therapy. Up to this point, I was deemed treatment resistant, as nothing was working! When someone reaches this point, and I was there, totally hopeless and ‘unable to reason’, that many often feel that the only way to end the pain, and free their love ones of their burden, is to hope for peace through suicide. It is not our place to judge, for only God has that right and only God knows our hearts, our innermost thoughts. Thankfully, I was never suicidal; borderline, yes. I’ve had many days, when I was so sick, that I just wanted to die, to escape this hellish existence. I prayed to God to let me die. I know of one occasion when Pastor White came to visit, and he told me after the fact, that when he left my house on this particular day; he said, ‘If God did not intervene, then next week I will be performing Harris’s funeral!’ But that wasn’t God’s plan for me! I’m still here!

 

Even in my despair, God continued to bless us. Our precious Lauren was born amid all this chaos and turmoil, only to be diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy on the day of her first birthday. You talk about the bottom falling out of our already shattered world. Again we were faced with yet another life-altering diagnosis. God, where are you? God, why? So many questions, so few answers. This is where my faith had to come into play, but at times, my faith was very small. Every day brought new challenges, as in my weakness, I tried to help strengthen our little girl and be a good Daddy to both Logan and Lauren. All day, everyday, I pushed myself to the limit. Normal everyday tasks, that came naturally to others, seemed insurmountable to me. But, I would not give up, so fight I did!

 

And, to this day I still struggle through every day; maybe not at the intensity of which I did but, I still struggle. We must realize that our brain is no different than any other organ in our body. I am no different than someone with diabetes hypertension, liver disease, heart disease, etc. Things can go wrong with the brain, just like something can go wrong with the heart. Miraculously, I have come so far, but my battle is far from over. I speak for all those who struggle with this disease. I intend to speak for those who don’t have a voice, as well as those who have succumbed to their battle with this illness. Every morning, I have to pray and ask God to see me through the day and , thankfully, He has been faithful!

 

When you suffer from a mental illness it is so easy to lose hope; in fact, to become totally hopeless, to be engulfed by darkness. So how can we help as a Church? What is our responsibility as a born again Christian? It certainly isn’t to pretend that mental illness doesn’t exist. Jesus has called us to be ‘Our Brother’s Keeper’, to be the Good Samaritan to someone else in need; to that someone that is struggling today.

 

We live in a hurting world, a world that’s filled with so much hate. A world that’s searching for something to fill that void, that emptiness. I have come to realize that, that space within us cannot be filled with anything that this world can offer; its empty lies.The only answer is a spiritual one, a supernatural power, that can only be found in Jesus and Jesus alone! We cannot do this on our own. I would never have been able to survive this battlefield of the mind, if it weren’t for my personal relationship with Jesus Christ!He understood me when no one else did. John 10:10 says, I am come that you may have life and have it more abundantly’. 2 Kings 20:5 ‘I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears’. I’ll be completely honest; I won’t give you false hope. I won’t tell you to bring it to Jesus and all your hurts, pain, sickness will go away. He can make that happen, but sometimes that’s not part of His plan; it’s not His will. What He does promise, is that no matter what, He will never leave us. Hebrews 13:5 ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’He will walk with us and, at times, He will carry us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, ‘When you pass through the waters (and you will), I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.’ And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life. I have always known that He was with me; I may not have always felt He was with me, but I knew beyond a doubt that He was and is with me! Because of this, I can say, with confidence, that He will do the same for you! There is HOPE!

 

What is your story?

 

 

 

 

 

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15 Truths About Depression That Everyone Should Understand

1. Depression is an illness, it’s not a choice! No one would ever ‘choose’ to be depressed.

2. You can’t ‘snap out of’ depression or it can’t be made better by thinking happy thoughts. It goes much deeper then that.

3. Depression can be a chronic illness that can last a lifetime. It’s referred to as Major depressive disorder or Clinical depression.

4. That it devastates and destroys lives.

5. That 99.99% of what you think you know about depression is wrong.

6. That ‘sometimes’ medication and/or therapy has very little effect; it’s called treatment resistant. Not unlike someone who is receiving chemo and it’s just not working.

7. But then there’s the other side of the coin, the longer you leave it untreated the worse it can become. There is no wait and see with depression; it doesn’t just disappear one day!

8. Another truth is that everything can be lost to depression. Jobs, relationships, hobbies, passions and sometimes even lives. Depression kills!

9. That just because someone you know that is depressed laughs and smiles, it doesn’t mean they aren’t depressed, see point five.

10. Another sad truth is that not everyone ‘gets it’, not many really. Some people can help you through it but others can make it worse. The one ultimate person you can depend on is yourself; you are stronger then you think.

11. That depression is not a once in a lifetime occurrence. Relapses can happen at any time, at any age.

12. That you can try to explain how you feel with depression a million times and you still won’t be understood.

13. That stigma and prejudice are very much alive and kicking. Sometimes in places you would least expect it.

14. Depression can make a person feel like their life is over and there is no point in living. And this is why suicide is so common with someone who suffers from depression.

15. Lastly, depression is not a spiritual battle but an illness. Spirituality and mental illness are not directly connected, contrary to what many may think.

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Fill My Cup

Today is one of those days when I feel like I’m running on empty. Just like a car, if we don’t refuel it, it will run out of gas and be of no use. So what do we do when our car is empty? We take it to the gas station and fill it up.

Well today I’m on empty, the challenges and responsibilities of life have left me empty. It seems there’s never a reprieve, a time when I can just breathe.

With Mom’s passing, time as not healed my wounds. It seems the more time passes the more I miss her and the reality hits me that she’s no longer with me. The telephone calls every day have ended, just hearing her voice is gone. So I call out to God; be my comfort today.

I’m guessing that most people wouldn’t admit to having a down day. And that’s okay, but for me I like to be real and by doing so to help others. We live in such a world that expects perfection, a ‘me’ society, a cookie cutter mentality of what we are supposed to feel, think and act. I guess I was never drawn into that way of thinking. I am who I am, nothing or no one more, just me. Sometimes maybe it would have been easier if I just went along with the status quo. But I didn’t always chose the path most travelled. Many times I made my own path, I found my own way.

Living with a mental illness can so easily drain you to a point of exhaustion. Every day is a struggle, some less then others. But lots of days I feel like I’m running on empty. Many days I just have to stop and refuel, to breathe.

And then there’s a caregivers life; that means 24/7, 365 days year. I’m not complaining; I would do it all over again if I had to. But I can’t say it’s an easy life, it’s tough, challenging, isolating and exhausting. I love Lauren more then life itself and that’s why I gave up my own life for her. But what I gained was far above anything I could ever imagine. John 15:13 says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends”(his daughter, his family).

So it’s those days when I’m running on empty, when it seems humanly impossible to keep going. But it’s those days that I have learned to look to an higher power. To a strength that is not my own, to a God that is in the driver’s seat of my car. I’ve been singing this song all morning and it sums up what I’m trying to say. The words of the song are “my” words, my prayer for today. He is faithful!

Like the woman at the well I was seeking, for things that could not satisfy. And then I heard my Saviour speaking, “Draw from My well that never shall run dry”.

Fill my cup, Lord. I lift it up, Lord. Come and quench this thirsting if my soul. Bread of Heaven, feed me ‘til I want no more. Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.

There are millions in this world who are craving the pleasures, earthly things of gold. But none can match the wondrous treasure that I find in Jesus Christ my Lord.

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I Do The Best That I Can With What I Have!

After a long night of a torturous sleep, I awake with a head full of brain fog. It’s one of those nights when you are physically asleep but mentally your brain is going a mile a minute. Brain fog is characterized by confusion, forgetfulness, and a lack of focus and mental clarity. Mental exhaustion is by far more tiring then physical exhaustion; it affects how you maneuver through your life or should I say how you desperately try to live a ‘normal’ life. Mental exhaustion is one of the major causes of brain fog.

So how do I deal with mental exhaustion when life constantly demands my full attention with little time for self care? To be honest; it’s not easy. One thing that has truly helped my mental health is my painting. So every spare minute that I get, I paint! There are days I cannot even focus on that but when I can, I take advantage of a ‘good’ day and paint.

Bottom line is, I do the best that I can with what I have! I’m sure I don’t always measure up to what others expect of me but thats okay. I can only do what I know I’m capable of doing; I know my limits and I have to protect my mental health. I have to protect myself from another relapse because I know that I/we would not survive another relapse; a one that would leave me nonfunctioning . It happened before and if I’m not extremely careful, it could happen again. And I will not let that happen!

So if I wake up tomorrow morning and I’m unwell, I will make no apologies; I will do the best that I can with what I have. That’s all that’s required!

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The Iceberg In My Life

Have you ever heard of the iceberg analogy for “invisible” illnesses? Illnesses that are invisible to the outside world are like an iceberg; others see just the tip and don’t realize there’s a massive structure hidden beneath the water. Living with major depression and anxiety disorder (my diagnosis); I’ve come to realize that mental illness is far more complex then what is visible; it goes much deeper.

Depression is much more than feeling sad. That’s just the tip of the iceberg! And those who have never experienced it for themselves, can never fully understand just what it is or even what it feels like. It can strip your world of all it’s colour and all you see is grey.

Similarly, anxiety isn’t just about worrying. It’s a disorder that can creep upon you at anytime and petrify you, making even simple decisions feel overwhelming. Even simple tasks that once came so easy are now insurmountable.

How have I survived? With a lot of hard work; chipping at that iceberg, one piece at a time. Never giving up!! Even on days when you really want to. Always believing that hope will bring a better day tomorrow. And do you know what? It does! Without hope I could never make it through the day. You have to believe in a power that is greater than yourself, an higher power; and that hope, that power can only be found in a God that is all powerful. He gives me strength and hope to face each day. I have proven this to be true. And you can too!

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Mental Illness; the Joy Killer

I’m angry, there, I said it! Maybe angry is a bit of an harsh word but I can’t think of another that sums up how I’m feeling. This has been one of those days when I’ve needed to write but every time I attempted to, I couldn’t. I know if I started writing, I would never stop.

The thoughts and emotions were anything but joyous. I’m angry, angry at me for being me, I hate what mental illness has done to me; it kills my joy and leaves me empty. I need to fight back but I’m so exhausted. And then life itself has been more then any human being should have to deal with. We have fought two near death experiences where Lisa was intubated in order to save her life. This trauma has left us with scars that well last a lifetime. Then I lost my Mom, I loved her more then life itself. We only get one Mom and she’s gone; no second chances. It’s so hard to grieve when you have many other responsibilities that demand your every moment. And then two of our very good friends passed away, it seemed like death was all around us and we were losing those we loved much too soon.

To say the least; 2023 was not without its challenges, hurts, disappointments and pain. Then to top it off, Lauren had two major surgeries in Montreal. Surgeries that we struggled with for so long; were we doing the right thing? Was this in the best interest for Lauren? But what other choices did we have? None! This was early summer and now it’s the end of the year and we have faced so much disappointment. Right now discouragement invades our thoughts, we see little improvement and still so many uncertainties and yes we worry; with good reason.

Again today I was reminded of just how imprisoned I felt. Lisa had to attend our friend’s funeral alone because one of us had to stay home with the kids. It seems we can do very little as a couple. We are caregivers 24/7, 365 days a year. I’m not complaining, I’m just stating the facts; the reality of the life of caregivers. It’s tough!

I thought by now that things would have gotten a little easier but today just proved me wrong. It felt like my world was crumbling all around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And that reality stirred up some very unpleasant emotions within me. It made me feel once again that we were so isolated and that feeling of being alone in a very busy, big world just overwhelmed me once again.

I find it very difficult to look the other way and ignore the state of the world. The war in Gaza, the homeland of the birthplace of our Saviour, is left in ruin and war rages on with no, “Peace on Earth”. No cease fire for the Christmas Season. I believe there’s not much that I can do but I can pray for peace, we can all pray for peace.

In spite of all this turmoil within my own world and the world abroad; I still have to find peace and hope in that baby that was born in Bethlehem all those years ago. He is still in control, He still calms our storms or sometimes He just calms His child.