Just As I Am

Please listen to this well known song as sung by Alan Jackson; “Just AS I Am”. It will give you a better understanding of this blog and draw you a little closer to ‘the Lamb of God’.

I have been days now struggling through my depression and anxiety. The pain and hurt I feel is no different then if I had a physical illness. The constant chronic pain that I feel, never goes away. I write about my illness to educate others, to help end the stigma and to show others they are not alone. And what they are feeling is real!

The brighter the sun shines, the darker the shadows that fall on my path. The more beautiful the days are, the more angry I am with myself because I should be feeling happy and enjoying the summer season that is swiftly passing us by. I’m telling myself to enjoy every moment, because life can change in a second. But my body and mind are not listening, my brain is in a fog, my concentration is interrupted, my thinking process is distorted to the point of finding it difficult to process the simplest thought.

My writing, which in the past I used for therapy, is now a seemingly impossible task. It seems I can’t put two words together, let alone two sentences. This first page ended up in the trash container. But then I knew if I didn’t retrieve it, it would be like giving in to this illness. And I couldn’t let that happen, so I searched through the debris to find that sheet of paper containing my helpless thoughts.

That sheet of paper represented my tormented mind, I just wanted to throw it away and start with a new slate. But that’s not the way a mental illness works, you just can’t turn it on or off, you can’t change it just because you want it to change. It won’t go away with wishful thinking or by keeping busy.

My painting has also been a form of  therapy, which as helped immensely over the past few months. Mental illness as been something that I have desperately tried to describe through my writing and have tried to paint a picture that could come even just a little close to what having a mental illness feels like.  But pen, nor paintbrush have not even come close to describing what this monster as done to me and my family.

I have written over one hundred blogs on mental illness in hopes that I could just break through that wall of stigma that is still so prevalent in our society today. Maybe I might be fighting a loosing battle, which sometimes I believe, but I have to fight, I can’t give up. And maybe one day,  just one day, mental illness will be looked upon as just that, an illness that requires medical attention and support. And one day, maybe just one day, those who suffer won’t suffer in shame, silence or isolation. And one day, maybe just one day there will be no disconnection between a physical illness or a mental illness, for we already know that the mind and body are one.

I’m assuming that people must be tired of reading my blogs concerning my mental health. But I say politely to these people, to just delete me from your social media contacts and I would not be the least bit offended. You see, I don’t write for people with ‘perfect’ mental health, I write for myself and for those who are struggling everyday to fight this non-ending war with their own mental health. And I can totally understand how some may interpret my writing and misjudge, not understand or assume to have all the right answers for my ‘condition’, when in reality they fail to ‘get it’. To be honest, ‘I don’t get it all the time’, I don’t understand it all the time, I have to question ‘why’ sometimes. So how can I expect someone who has never experienced a mental illness to fully ‘get it’, when I don’t ‘get it’ myself. Mental illness is the only illness I know that is so misunderstood; any other illness is just accepted and respected as just  that; an illness; with no stigma attached.

Depression as pretty much destroyed my confidence, my self worth, altered my personality, beaten me down to where I feel useless, incompetent, worthless, hopeless, weak, good for nothing and I could keep going. It as imprisoned me into my own mind and I cannot escape. It as the power to destroy everything in my life. But this week while trying to escape the prison of my own mind, I was reminded of the words of the song which says, ‘Just as I am, though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt; fightings within, and fears without. O Lamb of God, I come, I come! Wow, those words were what I was searching for to describe my illness, those words that could paint the perfect picture in your mind of what it’s like to live in this prison. But it doesn’t leave me there, it directs me to the only one who could guide me through this pain; the Lamb of God! And all I had to do was; Come!

The more I thought about the words of that song, the more I was convinced that whoever the writer was, had suffered depression, anxiety and pain. They knew how I am feeling. They experienced it for themselves. My search led me to the author; Charlotte Elliott. At the age of 32, she suffered from a serious illness that left her disabled for the rest of her life. Although sometimes depressed by her condition, she always felt renewed by the assurance of salvation. Charlotte wrote the song, ‘Just As I Am, Without One Plea’ in 1834. Though depressed with feelings of uselessness and loneliness she was able to write this song in spite of her feelings. In verse 4 of that song she pins the words, ‘healing of the mind’. Implying to me that she longed to be free of the prison in her mind. And to do that she had to come (‘I Come’) to the Lamb of God.

So tonight as I am left here alone with my thoughts, my depression, my uselessness, my loneliness, my fear of the unknown. I softly sing the words to verse 6; ‘Just as I am (broken, tired, weak), Thy love unknown, Has broken every barrier down; now to be Thine, yea, Thine alone, O Lamb of God, I come, I Come !