I believe mental illness is caused by many different factors. For me, genetics plays a big role, it is my belief that when I was in my mother’s womb, I was predisposed to have a mental illness. I was born this way, it was inherited from my family bloodline. Therefore this is why I cannot remember when I didn’t have to fight this disabling disorder; it’s plagued me all my life. I can say though that I did have many years through my life that medication and drive allowed me to live an high functioning life. So I may have had a mental illness but it did not always have me.
But today, sadly to say, I am still struggling, I didn’t bounce back in the way I thought I would; this breakdown has rendered me disabled and functioning at a much lower level then I had hoped for. One of the many changes in me, is that I can no longer work, leaving me feeling like I am not contributing to society or a provider for my family and as taken my sense of pride away, my sense of accomplishment. But I will have to adjust and refocus my thoughts on other positive energies in my life. All is not lost!
Another change that I’m experiencing is; I find it very difficult to find pleasure in the things I once loved to do. I am not self diagnosing myself but the medical field would call this anhedonia; the inability to feel pleasure. I have certainly improved in this area but when I still experience days of deep depression, I find it very hard to feel pleasure or excitement. But as part of my therapy I try to introduce myself back into some of the things that once brought me pleasure. Such things as; art (especially painting), singing, reading, design, gardening and most of all, writing, an hidden gift I didn’t realize I possessed. And just recently I started a YouTube channel called, ‘Walter on da line’. This is where I play a character named, Walter. With his very ‘strong’ Newfoundland dialect, Walter talks about issues of today and reminisces about years gone by. This also proved to be a very therapeutic and distraction for my mind, from everyday stress. All of which add to good mental health.
A loss of concentration and train of thought are also a change within me that I still struggle with up to this present day. I cannot trust to my mind to remember things anymore; anything that requires memory, I have to write on paper. When it comes to my train of thought, I could be in the middle of a conversation and have to stop because I loss my train of thought; this happens much too often. I am not sure why this still happens, maybe it’s my medication, prolonged effects of ECT or a lingering symptom of my depression and anxiety. But whatever the cause; memory and train of thought loss can be very frightening and scary and yes, sometimes embarrassing.
Sometimes I feel I’ve missed out on a lot of my life. When your mind is overcrowded, fogged and distorted, it’s hard to concentrate and to give your undivided attention to the people and things that matter the most in your life. I find it hard to focus on living in the moment, when your mind is rushing about in a million different directions. But I have to tame this lion within and awaken the ‘me’ that lies deep down inside.
What I miss the most is just waking in the morning and knowing within myself that I could take on or face anything that the day may bring. But I have changed ‘big time’ in this area of my life. I awake now feeling if I will even survive the day or how I am even going to face the day. Each day seems so big and overwhelming but I do survive and I do keep going. I feel I can’t run on empty forever, there as to be a strength other then my own that will keep me going. And to that hope I will trust.
Writing these thoughts and sharing them on paper for all to see, makes me feel so transparent, exposed and vulnerable. But how else will you understand and know the truth about depression, unless someone is willing to tell you exactly how it feels and through understanding the walls of stigma will come down. And by doing so, just maybe I have opened the eyes of your heart to see mental illness for the disabling, cruel, hellish illness that it really is.